100th Post

Christmas dinner (well, more like roast) was a success, yay!

Happy Christmas everyone!

In Gloria Dei Patris

Came across this on Helen's blog and wasn't very impressed. All I wanted was for the music to stop so I could focus. I guess I'm not post-modern.

Anyway, for all those who are wondering if they're emerging, this is quite funny.

As for little me, I've been puzzling over the Beatitudes in Matthew 5 (Helens are great, this was sparkled by this one), and wondering how they relate to my life now that I'm no longer a miserable teenager living in a less than desirable home in a dry spiritual well. The first beatitude used to give me comfort - 'You're blessed when you're at the end of your rope. With less of you there is more of God and his rule.' (As quoted from Helen's blog, from the Message).

All week I've been wondering how being happy and enjoying life fits with these verses, and, as it often does, Fridays instigated an answer. Mark T kicked off the short talks with a series of pictures of babies and Jesus, displayed to the amazing Hallelujah Chorus from Handel's Messiah (track 9 here if you need a reminder). The flip side to the Beatitudes suddenly made sense. When life is good, it's still about praising God, and blessing is still in abundance. The whole point of life with God is life in all its fulness - the amazingness of God came to live on earth as a tiny baby. Goodness is part of God's glory.

I'm glad for the last few years, because they've taught me not to expect that life will be easy, and I think I've developed some sort of deep down faith - the knowledge that whatever happens and however I feel, God is always there and he's always bigger than me and is to be praised. Life is teaching me another lesson at the moment: it's just as important to follow God in the good times, but no less worthy or challenging. Maybe it's time for different Beatitudes to be focused on. At the moment I feel 'blessed when you're content with just who you are - no more, no less. That's the moment you find yourselves proud owners of everything that can't be bought.'

Talking of amazing music, Quoniam tu solus from the Nelson Mass by Haydn is another stunning piece:

Quoniam tu solus sanctus
Tu solus Dominus
Tu solus altissimus
Jesu Christe
In Gloria Dei Patris, Amen

For Thou only art holy,
Thou only art the Lord,
Thou only the most high,
Jesus Christ,
In the glory of God the Father, Amen

Things I Can Do Without

As read in Joolian and Carl's blogs...

Don't have television, living in the city now means I can walk everywhere... I guess the things I can do without are material stuff - books, CDs, DVDs, clothes, shoes, accessories etc. I don't really need to buy anything like that for ages. I'd like to be more frugal with food shopping. The only supermarket I use is Tescos, purely for convenience and price, but from reading Joolian's comments there might be something wrong with Tescos... shopping for fair trade or from ethical retailers seem like so much hard work, but if I really care about God's creation and people it's probably something I should invest some time and effort in.

Law, grace, and getting on with life

The post you've all been waiting for... how I'm keeping my hands off Ben (who bought me beautiful flowers today unexpectedly :)

I've been thinking a lot about grace, and how Jesus said he had come to set us free from the law. It can seem that being a Christian is all about keeping laws - you must tithe, you must go to church regularly, you mustn't lie or steal etc. This is all good, and in many cases it's good to know what God expects of us - for example there are many discussions on the NYFC Forum where it would be brilliant if the Bible said something more specific on how God expects us to conduct ourselves in every day life.

I wanted to put a quote in here from Dogma but the internet is stupid - Bartleby, one of the fallen angels trying to get back into heaven, talks about how he is outside the realm of God's grace and how humans have infinate grace and many of us don't even believe in him. I think God trusts us more than prescribing exactly how we should live. There is the whole free will thing, but even as Christians we're supposed to be free - free from sin but grace also means we should be free from the law. I think we have the freedom to do what we need to do, but within God's framework - the whole 'Be holy because I am holy' thing. So instead of obeying a rule that says, 'No couples should live together without being married', Ben and I are are choosing to be set free from that restrictig rule and live in a way that is a big improvement in terms of travelling to work, family relationships, money and practicality.

Along with that comes the greater temptation to be unholy in our relationship. Ben said somewhere on the NYFC forum that if you're going to be bad, you're going to be bad. Location and comfort might make it harder/easier to mess around, but apart from being caught there isn't much deterent. I'm discovering that the more we fill our lives with good stuff - praying and reading the Bible together, going to church etc the less we're tempted. We're not perfect and have slipped up many times before and during living together, but we've proved to ourselves that we are able to abstain. It's a matter of not taking grace for granted and keeping a short record with God.

Things about the difference between relationships and marriage have also been plaguing me but I'll save that for another time.

Our cosy lounge

This is a picture called 'Woman and Child' by French artist Aurelia Fronty. It's hanging above the fire in our lounge. I like the movement in it and the warmth it adds to the room.

Back

Hello fellow bloggers who I have missed,

Ben and I have moved into our new house and it's lovely. Curtains are the only thing left to sort. We'll photograph later once we've tidied up!

Are Christians a whole group of phonies who pretend to be better than they really are? The more I get to know some Christians the more I wonder if we are any different from anyone else in the way we live and act. /ponder.

Tagged

I've been tagged by Lou and Carl, but I hate reading old blogs and diaries and stuff, so you can look up the fifth line of my 25th blog yourself!

I tag everyone who reads this blog

(so sorry I can't be bothered, need sleep)

House!

I'm moving out! Hopefully in the next two weeks, to a terraced house off Silver Road (v handy for Fridays :) And my housemate iiiiisssss.... my lovely Ben! *cue disapproving comments* I'm not going to spend time defending this decision, it's one we've prayed about, and it means we can go to church together and generally live healthier and not so tiring lives.

So excited!!!!

Church reviews

Ship of Fools Mystery Worshipper - there's only one Norwich church review, though a few of you might find it handy/amusing. Read the review of the smallest ever church - now that's what we need for cell!

Cell

Cell is good and I'm loving it. I'm realising how much I've been misisng out on by not meeting with other Christians regularly - it's making me want to find a church!

Tonight Lou led and we talked about doubts we have and things we don't understand in the Bible or about God. It was an interesting discussion, we talked about how Jews might be missing out on salvation, the difference/fulfilment between Old and New Testaments/Covenants, how Jesus seems different in the Gospels to preconceptions and what we sometimes hear at church, and the confusion of Revelation. We have some ideas of what to look at over the next term or so, which is good.

Not much else to report, apart from a fantastic week in Scotland. It was nice to get away from work and relax. Spending a week with Ben was cool, feel like a proper couple now we've had some disagreements!

Update

*removed*
Sorry the lighting is a bit funny, but this is my big little brother, who proclaimed that when he gets married he's wearing a kilt. Converted!

Feeling tired out at the moment. I moved out of the training cell into my new team last week at work, which has been quite demanding socially, especially as I'm not being the most talkative person with things going on at home. I'm still learning loads about annuities and how everything works, and being part of a team means there's different aspects of the work to think about.

I'm still not settled in a church which is a disconcerting thought bubbling in the back of my mind. I've been to church with Ben a couple of times which has been good, but I despair of ever being fully involved somewhere, and I'm not sure I want to be. Cell is going well, it's great to meet up with friends with the specific aim of talking and praying together. There's something really cool about sitting in armchairs in Marzanos with coffee praying in the middle of the cafe. Next week we're brainstorming about things to look at over the next term, so feel free to pray for direction for us all. It will be interesting how it turns out, as four of the group will be going back to uni soon.

Back to Scotland for Grandpa's 90th birthday tea party next weekend. Looking forward to visiting St Andrews again too, I've missed the beach (but nothing else!)

Yay!

The coolest page on the web :D

Back home

Just returned from a fantastic weekend in Dunkeld for Dad's wedding. It was really good weather (even though it had been pouring rain in the morning and was a little windy!)





Didn't manage to get a good picture of the married couple, but here they are:



All the guys looked stunning in their kilts, (unfortunately I'm banned from posting a picture of my brother but he looked pretty good too) and the evening ceildh [kay-lee for all you pathetic Englishmen ;) ] was fantastic fun!


And, of course, us bridesmaids were gorgeous (the other bridesmaid was Coral, my step-mum's 12 year old niece), and it actually wasn't that bad! Page boy Johny (Coral's 7 year old brother) was brilliant and looked very cute in his kilt.



But the belle of the ball was my new step-mother, and her dress was lovely (with an easy to take care of train which was good!)

Howards End

By EM Forster

Brilliant classic and thoroughly enjoyable, and I think in this case my enjoyment was furthered by watching the Merchant Ivory 1992 film first (Anthony Hopkins, Emma Thompson and Helena Bonham Carter, quality). The characters are full and interesting, and the plot meanders along at a very pleasant pace and becomes more and more engrossing, til it concludes in a very peculiar way. I wish I'd experienced the early 19th century, it seems such sedate era, though barbaric in many ways too. 5 stars for the book though!

Eurghh

*Pic removed, was putting me off blogging!*
Dress isn't perfect but it'll have to do. Now to find a wedding gift - any ideas gratefully received!

The mess is finally gone, I'm proud of myself :)

Stories

The Story of Laura's (Ella's) afternoon :D Cameras are such fun.

Perseverance

A couple of years ago I was totally convinced that I wasn't a Christian anymore because I hadn't persevered. I stumbled and lost the plot, and God was alien. In some ways I think I'm there again, in terms of apathy and failure.

I'm not sure my theology was quite right then, however, and I'm pretty sure God hasn't given up on me! But, 'It's impossible to be a static Christian, if you're not going forward you're going backwards' seems uncomfortably familiar. I had a list of ponderings to kick myself out of the rut the last time it got desperate...

* If I recommit my life to Jesus, I have to remember the holiness of God and the seriousness of my decision. To backslide again would be to say that God is worth nothing to me. My decision would be incredibly serious because I am giving my whole life over to Christ. To take it back would be sacrilege.
* God doesn't want me to waste my time on earth, and given just the slightest bit of encouragement from me, He's going to use me as a great ambassador for His kingdom.
* Every day is going to be a battle, but Jesus has already won the decisive battle, and I'm on his side so I can't lose. I need to remember to look to my King at all times.
* Pray at the beginning of each day - the Lord's prayer, or the prayer of Jabez, or even just 'help me to be a useful person for you today, Jesus.'

In my better moments, I realise what a fool I'm being and how much I'm wasting my life, wasting opportunities, living without God. Breaking God's heart, mine and letting other people down. Other times, like tonight, I'll happily subscribe but can't be bothered to live it because it means having a heart and feeling things. I want to pray this week that God will give me a heart to feel for His people, for lost people, 'a sense of violation at the failure of God's people to be the effective demonstration of Him.'

Community

My profound thought of the week has been that being a Christian is a community thing. It's impossible and totally crazy to even think that it can be done alone. As I was reminded this week, even God communes within himself (the Trinity). I often find that thoughts aren't new to me. This one was first introduced to me through a book I read in 2003, but it takes a while for my little brain to process things...

"I am very proud to own and share the good and the bad, the sense and the silliness in you, Leonard, my dear brother. I want you to know that your fights and victories are my fights and victories. Your failures are my failures. I hope that you can share the good and the bad in me as well - much more bad than you think, I'm afraid. But I do believe in God, this week anyway, so, I tell you what, since we are brothers, and parts of the same body, I'll hold your unbelief and you can hold my faith." He smiled. "That'll confuse God so much that he'll put up with both of us. I think that's the kind of confusion he likes. Jesus so wanted us to love each other. Tell me, Leonard, do you believe in the hands that are touching yours at the moment?"
"Yes," said Leonard, "they're real people."
"That's right, and these real people are part of Jesus, so when you hold their hands you are actually holding hands with God. Whatever one of us lacks, all of us lack. Whatever one of us owns, all of us share."

~ from The Sacred Diary of Adrian Plass, Christian Speaker aged 43 and 3/4

Sky

Shoooooes

These are my pink shoes, they are rather pretty, and surprisingly comfy too.

Today I did no work, but had an exciting trip to Surrey Street to have my photo taken for my ID badge. It bleeps and lets me through the doors of all NU buildings in Norwich (mwhahahaaaa!)

Nothing else to say at the moment, but there's a cracker of a blog bubbling away on simmer.

Back to blogging

Life seems so busy, I want a whole day to chill and be me and just potter around. I miss having time to listen to Radio 4, I miss reading, I miss remembering to be a Christian, I miss having a tidy bedroom. I like being busy though, because it means not being alone much. I don't like being alone at the moment.

Went to some of evensong after work with Ben today but unfortunately I just wanted to giggle and play outside. The music is very beautiful (most of it anyway). There was a little variation at the end this time when everyone went forward for communion. Communion in Anglican churches scares me. I feel like I'm playing hide and seek with God, the kind of hide and seek where the hidee changes their hiding place while the seeker is still looking, which isn't fair. I'm so lost with church and have no idea what my next move should be. I'd much rather make a study of it than participate. I've gone yet another half week forgetting that God exists, forgetting that prayer exists, let alone it being something I should do.

I like the idea of being a happy moral secularist, not because it ignores God but because it seems easy, and I want the easy way. I want to argue that when life is sometimes so challenging God should be the easy nice hiding place. (Haha Bush still can't say nuclear - 'nucaler'!) What's the motivation for making life even harder by including God in every equation? Don't worry, I'm not giving up and don't need any lectures, really!

Carl once posted a picture of his messy bedroom. Mine is so, so messy that I'd be embarrassed to take a picture of it, let alone publish it! Eeek the thought of getting up super early tomorrow to tidy just flitted through my head, I need to get a life!

Today at work I did about 5 hours worth of work in less than that time, so started reading one of those mini Penguin anniversary books, a few chapters from 'The View From Mount Improbable' by Richard Dawkins. I didn't understand it. 'Birds Without Wings', however, is being good and there are many more beautiful pages to go. It's about a small Muslim and Christian community, it's really interesting how the two religions mix and live alongside each other. But war is to be declared so I guess it will all shatter. There was a quote from a Londoner about the bombings on the NU intranet news site the other day (yeah I spent a lot of time on there today as well) - 'This is forever. There will be no solutions. The only solution is a country with no religion.' I wish the world wasn't so messed up, and I hate the fact that I contribute towards the messed upness of the world.

Sometimes I wonder what we are without friends. What makes us us, apart from how we relate to others? Are we human if we don't love? I didn't mean my blog to be this depressing today, honest.

Day trip

Trip to London today. I like trains, there's something comforting about being on a train.

London was pretty quiet for a Saturday, which I guess isn't surprising after the second attacks last Thursday.

Finished Harry Potter 6 last night. I have to say I was a bit disappointed, I couldn't get into it at all and didn't get excited til Chapter 24. Had a horribly busy week though, I should have waitied til I could concentrate on it properly instead of reading a bit at a time. Looking forward to number 7 now, it should be very interesting. Started 'Birds Without Wings' by Louis de Bernier today, I think it's going to be good.

There was something interesting I had to blog on, but I've forgotten so it'll have to wait. Oh yeah, for all you dress freaks, it's still pink and will post pictures later!

Angel face

I'm liking my new toy, though I'm terribly unartistic at the moment. I'll enjoy practising though! I liked this unartistic little face.

There hasn't been an awful lot to blog on lately (I blame lack of reading and mind expansion). Work is cool, not a for-life job but it's ok. Harry Potter 6 is so exciting, but I still haven't finished it because my attention span is so appalling (I blame lack of reading for that too).

I'm loving cell group with some cool friends. Looking forward to a more structured meeting this week, we've been meandering a bit which has been good in terms of geling as a group but it'll be good to add some purpose. Last week we discussed what we want out of the group and what we would like it to achieve. This week some alternative worship and a discussion on prayer is being planned.

Pondering of the week - life as a Christian seems to be a never-ending cycle of sin, repentance and forgiveness, which maybe isn't odd in itself, but sometimes I wonder what the point of it all is. Maybe I'm circling around the same issues at the moment rather than working my way up a spiral. I think the cloud of apathy, however, is slowly lifting.

New toy!

I like purple :)

I wish morning would hurry up and come, I want my Harry Potter book!

Bother

I can't be bothered to put this long overdue post into proper sentences, so bullet points win.

• 21 Grams is a cool film, worth buying if you haven't seen it.
• Why would it be so awful if God hated us when we were sinners? Would it make one single bit of difference to our daily lives?
• It's so tedious to listen to all the rhetoric after the London bombings about not giving into terrorists, not letting them win by scaring us out of continuing our everyday lives. Where did this rubbish come from? Is it really the aim of a terrorist to make everyone cower in fear, locked up in their homes? Is 'terrorist' our label or their aim? Bad things happen to individuals every day, what makes this so much more worthy of air time than all the other tradgedies in the world?
• I can't be bothered (tis phrase of the day, sorry) to 'feel' God. Why isn't he just there, like people? What's the deal with all this touchy feely stuff? Sometimes I think I have no heart.
• Looking forward to the new expanded cell group meeting on Wednesday, though have no idea what we're doing yet. What a contrast to another cell group I went to last week, I'm looking forward to this one and I know that whatever happens I'll enjoy being with the people and the content (whatever it turns out to be) will challenge and inspire me. And I won't be bored.
• Does something have to feel wrong for it to be wrong? Does the fact that it doesn't feel wrong mean that it's okay, or that I'm not sufficiently 'Spirit-filled' or in tune with God?
• Is there any such thing as a spiritual wilderness where there's nothing wrong with life, God or me? I'm just bored and can't be bothered with feelings.

To hell with the world, I'm off to play flute.

Still tired

Was gonna do an update on church a coupla weeks ago saying that I hated describing myself as 'not currently settled in a church' and how a churchless faith might be ok for a while but it isn't all that great.

However, that was two weeks ago. I think I'm going to settle at Proclaimers despite my reservations. Interestingly, today during the 'after the worship/before the sermon/Tom talky bit/Holy Spirit thing' time I think God kinda confirmed that. I don't know. I've been a Christian for about 11 years now but I'm only just starting to understand the whole Holy Spirit/listening to God thing... it's annoying that it takes so long but cool now that I'm becoming a bit more confident about actually conversing with God rather than talking at him.

There's no logic to that paragraph which is annoying me. I like logical and clear reasoning, but I don't know how else to explain anything. I think it'll be cool to be part of Proclaimers. Hopefully. Oh ye of little faith.

Lethargy

Blogging haitus indeed... started work at Norwich Union this week, maybe that's why! It's been cool, was boring to start with but the training is getting more interesting and I'm looking forward to starting the proper work. I'm so tired! Have been out a more than average number of nights this week as well as working full time so definately in need of matchsticks.

Was Fridays last night, then another 24/7 prayer night with a selection of lovely forumites which finished a couple of hours ago. It was a strange night really, I think we've all been tired from working all week and we didn't do as much praying together as last week. Helen came in at 7am though which was great because we had a together prayer time then and she finished y praying for us all which was nice. It was a good night for discussion type stuff, no particular theme this week though, just bits and ponderings. It's great to spend time with genuine and lovely Christian friends (love you all!), it's a while since I've felt so at home and comfortable with a group of people.

I'm going through a bit of an apathetic time... doing stupid things and messing things up but not being truly sorry or feeling guilty much, so can't be bothered to pray about it. Sillyness. I guess feelings don't count though so I will get my act together hopefully. This quote from Mark really hit home yesterday: 'If you go around calling yourself a Christian then get used to the idea that you've surrendered your life to Jesus, not anyone or anything else.' Kick that into my head, Lord. Being a Christian is such a chore sometimes, I'm so lazy.

Not a lot else to blog about just now... want to post more on that Brian McLaren book at some point though. Excitement. *yawn*

Butterfly

Testing the brilliant new photo uploader thingy!

Overnight in the prayer room

Last night some NYFC forumites stayed in the prayer room all night. There were five of us which was a nice number, but more are welcome to come when we do the same next week! It was quite a cool night, we stayed up for most of it. Started with a solitary couple of hours just being quiet and looking at all the stuff in the room to use as aids to prayer. Later we played with the inflatable globe, throwing it to each other partly to keep us awake and energised, and we called out names of countries to pray, and the more knowledgable among us told us a bit about the current situation in some of the countries. Later we moved on to areas in Norwich and people here and afar who need prayer for whatever reason. We had a brilliant open prayer time where we just prayed for people on our hearts. It was good to share the burden with others, and, as Ben said, let God take our burdens.

I think one of the things that struck me about last night was the thought that I can pray for lots of things and really want things to happen and for God to answer, but in a way it starts with me. I have to make changes and follow God in my own life and hope that the rest of the world does too. 'Lord, send revival, start with me'. Helen put another slant on that by saying that often we pray for ourselves a lot, but we need to care about others as well (or words to that effect as far as I remember!) which is another thing sinking into my mind. Philippians 2:4 says 'Do not be interested only in your own life, but be interested in the lives of others.' Keeping up with what's going on in my friends' lives and the world has an important purpose, to engage with them so that I can pray effectively and care for people and about issues properly in the spirit of humility (just as Philippians 2 goes on to describe Jesus' humility in giving up his place with God to become like a servant for us).

We also had an interesting discussion about the Holy Spirit and other related tangents. (Early hours of the morning is always good for those kind of discussions. Pity I can't function enough to articulate my thoughts though!) I have much to think and pray about. Mark said in his blog how the presence of God felt as thick as treacle in the prayer room. I wouldn't say I felt it that strongly, but there's definately a sense that God is there and doing good things.

All in all a brilliant night, looking forward to next week.

Biblical Interpretation

More from 'A New Kind of Christian'...

If Biblical text is infallible, but all human interpretation is fallible, we have to be open to having our interpretations challenged. The authoritative text is not what I say about the text or even what I understand the text to say, but rather what God means it to say. Our interpretations reveal more about ourselves than they do about God or the Bible. The real issue is not the divide between evangelicals (who believe in the infallible, innerant, absolutely authoritative word) and liberals (Bible is inspired but not authoritative), but is rather the authority of God, moving mysteriously at a higher level.

The Bible calls the church the foundation of truth, Jesus the foundation of the church, and Jesus calls Peter called a foundation [I'm not so sure on that, see an earlier post], but it never calls itself a foundation.

Jesus transcended the normal level of discourse - for example the woman at the well in John 4. The big debate is over where people should worship, on this mountain or on that mountain. Jesus didn't choose one point or the other, he says that the answer is on this higher level, that what God wants is for us to worship him in spirit and truth, wherever we are. Both mountains are good places to worship, so in that way they are both right. But where you worship isn't the point at all, so in that way both sides are wrong.

The whole notion of authority is thoroughly modern. That oft-quoted verse in 2 Timothy doesn't say, 'All scripture is inspired by God and is authoratitve'. It says that Scripture is inspired and useful - useful to teach, rebuke, correct, instruct us to live justly, and equip us for our mission as the people of God. We want to use it as God's encyclopaedia, rule book, answer book, scientific text, easy-steps instructions book, God's little book of morals for all occassions. The only people in Jesus' time who had anything close to these expectations of the Bible were the scribes and Pharisees. We need to let go of the Bible as a modern book and rediscover it for what itreally is: an ancient cook of incredible spiritual value for us, a kind of universal and cosmic history, a book that tells us who we are and what story we find ourselves in so that we know what to do and how to live. That letting go is going to be hard for evangelicals.

My thoughts - this all makes much sense and I think it would be more helpful to have this view of the Bible, but I'm not entirely sure how it differs from the libralist view and how it's a higher truth rather than an evangelical/liberal divide.

Further reading (it's amazing how other bloggers suddenly make sense!)
Interpretation Part 1 and Part 2 by Heather
What is Biblical? by Paul

Yay!

I got a job! Went for an interview yesterday with Norwich Union, and they called me this morning saying I start on Monday! I'll be a customer services representative, working in the NU building on Colegate in Norwich. I'm looking forward to it :D

Postmodernism

I'm currently reading 'A New Kind of Christian' by Brian McLaren. It takes the form of a fictional narrative between two friends, and is described in the blurb as 'a wise and wondrous approachfor revitalizing Christian spiritual life and Christian congregations.

I'm going to summarise what I've read so far, partly to make it all stay in my brain, and partly because I bet there are a few people out there who are as confused about postmodernism as I am and it my be helpful...

The modern world can be described as a period in history, roughly AD 500-1500. There are several characteristics of this era, such as conquest and control, for example from Columbus's explorations to the Western European world conquering areas such as philosophy, culture, economies, languages, religion and technology. The modern era was also an age of analysis, making the universe knowable and controllable through science. Absolute objectivity is important in the modern era, and what was still unknown was thought to be ultimately knowable. There was the highest faith in human reason to replace all mysteries with comprehension. It was an age of debate, dialect, argument and discussion, and also of individualism (as conquest and control is pursued, individuals are left disconnected) and consumerism.

To understand the term 'postmodernism', it's helpful to see 'modern' in terms of an historical age rather than meaning that which is in the present. So to be postmodern doesn't mean to be anti-modern or non-modern, it simply means to have experienced the modern world and to have been changed by the experience to such a degree that one is no longer modern. The postmodern era could be said to have started around 2000.

Before the modern era, there was the medieval era. The transition from medieval to modern was marked by some significant changes. For example, there was new communication technology in the form of the printing press. There was a new scientific worldview when Copernicus asserted that the earth is not the centre of the universe. A new intellectual elite emerged (people such as Galileo, Newton, Bacon) which challenged church authority and introduced a new epistemology (way of knowing). There was new transportation technology in the shape of the sailing ship which made the world seem smaller. There was also the decay of an old economic system and the rise of a new one, new military technology and a new attack on dominant authorities with a defensive reaction (notably the Protestant Reformation).

There are similar changes being seen today, indicating a change from the modern era to the postmodern. We have improved communications in radio/television/internet, new scientific ways of seeing the world and ourselves (eg post-Einsteinian theories of relativity, and theories such as expanding universe unsettling the modern, stable view of modern science). Postmodern philosophy is challenging existing elites. Air travel had greatly intensified the integration of world cultures, we have new economic structures including e-commerce, new military technology and a decline of institutional religion as it is attacked by secularism, materialism and urbanism.

Understanding this can give us a different perspective on Christianity today. To the Christians of medieval Europe, we would not be considered Christians, simply because we don't believe in things that were fundamental to their faith. For example, we don't believe that kings rule by divine right, we don't believe that God created a universe consisting of concentric spheres of ascending perfection, and we agree with Copernicus that the earth rotates around the sun.

All this leads to an important question: Is it possible that we as moderns have similarly intertwined a different but equally contingent worldview with our external faith? Is the modern version of Christianity destined to become a medieval cathedral? Our peers have already crossed the line into the postmodern world, but, wanting to be faithful to our Christian upbringings, so thoroughly enmeshed with modernity, few of us have. We need to venture ahead in our faith and learn to practise our faith and devotion to Christ in the new emerging culture of postmodernity.

So that's what I've read so far... and I have to admit it's hugely challenging to me, comfortable in my modern, absolutist faith. And also slightly scary - has my worldview contaminated my faith? Is it holding me back? How do we separate faith from its intertwined worldview?

At the same time, this book is proving to be an exciting journey. I've often felt that my faith is archaic compared to the views of my non-Christian friends, so maybe it would be an exciting challenge to be able to 'catch up' with my postmodern peers and make Christianity relevant to a postmodern world. Maybe more thoughts on this and the rest of 'A New Kind of Christian' in later posts.

24/7 prayer

Nothing much to blog about... just want some people to sign up to 24/7 on Sunday morning because it looks like I'm gonna be all alone. If you're not going to church sign up now!

Harry Potter Quiz

Harry Potter Personality Quiz

Challenge for the next week

Brilliant quote from 'Dad's' blog, don't know who it's from but it's cool:

“In this country there is enough spiritual food for every man woman and child to be turbo charged miracle workers, who an actually make true Jesus’s words which say “if you have faith in me you can do even greater works than these” (greater than making the lame walk, blind see and the arrogant admit).

Yet, like our other food, it’s all a bit potted. We eat greasy hamburgers and fast/comfort food, like cheap bible notes and token, 2-verse readings, we accept sermons which tell us about the three Rs of ministry or whatever, but don’t actually tell us to get off our butts and minister to the downtrodden.

And like most of our edible food, our spiritual food is squandered, thrown away as it reaches it’s expiry date before we’ve opened it, left to fester: How many bibles are there in your house which haven’t been read today? For people across the world who have to paper their bathrooms with the gospel so that as a book it isn’t found by the authorities (which would lead to their execution), where people die ferrying bibles across borders, this scandal would not be tolerated.

In Africa some people every week walk 3 hours to church, have an hour long service, and then spend 3 hours coming back. That’s seven hours. So here’s the challenge: this week spend seven hours reading the bible. Not junk food, real food. The word of God. Structure your reading, read though sensibly, slowly and logically one book at a time, for an hour a day.”

Books

Went to evensong again today, this time with Lou, Helen and Carl. I have to defend myself, I won't go with Helen again because she gave me the giggles which isn't a good idea in an echoey solemn cathedral! It was good going a second time, had an order of service so was able to follow what was being sung (by male and female choirs today).

I'm reading 'In Search of Authentic Faith' by Steve Rabey at the moment. It's subtitled 'how the emerging generations are transforming the church'. I've read the first few chapters, and though I'm not entirely sure of the overall message of the book yet it's so far proving to be an accessible and understandable crash course in generation differences and modern/postmodern differences. Rabey recommends Stanley Grenz's 'A Primer on Postmodernism' as an introduction to postmodernism which I might check out, 'postmodernism' seems to be thrown about an awful lot just now and I don't understand much of it!

Next book to pick up from the library is one by Brian McLaren, forgotten which one. Will be interesting to read his work, I haven't read many complimentary reports... any comments?

Question

The Apostles' Creed

'I believe in God the Father Almighty; Maker of heaven and earth.
And in Jesus Christ his only Son our Lord; who was conceived by the Holy Spirit, born of the virgin Mary, suffered under Pontius Pilate, was cruicified, dead and buried; the third day he rose from the dead; he ascended into heaven; and sitteth at the right hand of God the Father Almighty; from thence he shall come to judge the quick and the dead.
I believe in the Holy Spirit, the holy catholic Church; the communion of the saints; the forgiveness of sins; the resurrection of the body; and the life everlasting. Amen.

Who/what are the quick??

Another quiz!

You scored as Neo orthodox. You are neo-orthodox. You reject the human-centredness and scepticism of liberal theology, but neither do you go to the other extreme and make the Bible the central issue for faith. You believe that Christ is God's most important revelation to humanity, and the Trinity is hugely important in your theology. The Bible is also important because it points us to the revelation of Christ. You are influenced by Karl Barth and P T Forsyth.

Neo orthodox 75% Evangelical Holiness/Wesleyan 68% Emergent/Postmodern 57% Fundamentalist 50% Charismatic/Pentecostal 46% Reformed Evangelical 43% Classical Liberal 39% Roman Catholic 29% Modern Liberal 25% What's your theological worldview? created with QuizFarm.com

Evensong

Went to evensong with Lou at Norwich Cathedral today. It was an interesting experience. It was a very passive service - a time to sit and listen rather than being actively involved - apart from singing one hymn and saying the Apostle's Creed and the grace, the rest was listening to the choir and the 'lessons'. It amuses me that Bible readings are called lessons, to me the Bible is much more alive than being just a lesson. Maybe it could be described as a super interactive C21st kind of lesson though!

The music was quite cool... I enjoyed it just because of the gorgeous harmony rather than what was being sung though, it was difficult to make out what the choir was singing. I imagine if I was more prepared and had the text in front of me to follow it would have been a nice opportunity for a bit of meditation (in the thinking sense). I felt very safe and comfortable in that small part of the Cathedral, but at the same time the vastness of the building meant I couldn't forget how big God is.

Lou mentioned in her blog about the leaders bowing towards the altar... that was a bit weird, though I suppose it could be seen as a mark of respect... but how can respect be shown to an almighty God by bowing to a table with a cross on it? I'm not quite sure what I think of that, but strangely I wasn't totally uncomfortable with it. Though turning to face the altar to say (or rather listen to!) the Apostles' Creed was slightly odd.

There weren't many people there, just a handful. There were more choir members than congregation. Being around such tradition in the city centre was a good feeling, yet sad... like God is so near and yet so far.

Need to do more stepping out in faith in the next few weeks, don't want to stagnate.

Wanderings of a bored person (synonym anyone?)

Feeling horrible today, getting really frustrated with job hunting and I'm having a bad patch with my proofreading course. I'm thinking I should have done childcare or something easier to get a job with. I'm wondering where to go to church next Sunday... possibly Taverham Evangelical again, but I'm reluctant to get involved there because I'm hoping to move out as soon as I can, which will probably be to the city. Possibly Proclaimers, but I'm really not sure I want to go there either. Totally given up with Surrey Chapel. Maybe I'll try somewhere else in the city. Looking forward to starting a small group in the next week or two with a few friends who are in similar positions with church.

As the NYFC forum is unavailable for the next few days (noooo! I'm totally unahamed of being an addict :P), I wandered around the web instead...

Watched a couple of film trailers here. The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe looks cool, and I'm pleased to see the fourth Harry Potter film seems to have returned to a similar format to the first two films, I wasn't keen on the third one. Also watched the trailer for Closer, looking forward to the DVD arriving from Amazon, it's late.

Found some interesting pictures on the BBC site about climate change. It's also good to see lots of stories covering the G8 summit, Africa, Live 8 and other things. I was disappointed to read that President Bush has only pledged £350 million for Africa, coming out of an existing US aid budget. Although listening to Radio 4 at the moment, Andrew Marr seems to think this is only the first step of something bigger before the G8 summit in a month. I wish I understood it all more.

I took refuge in Blogdom for a while, SharpReader is my new best friend. I came across Pilgrim's Progress, blog of the Crafty Curate, which is interesting. Check out this version of Psalm 42.

On my web wanderings today, I finally reached the Smile Jesus Loves You Forum, which said:

Attention:
You have reached the very last page of the Internet.
We hope you have enjoyed your browsing.
Now turn off your computer and go outside and play.

...so having blogged on my journey, that is what I shall do.

Weekend

Fridays was cool this week, though had a headache all evening so didn't concentrate. It was one of those evenings that made no impact on me but is seeping in slowly.

Went to Audacious tonight, was its one year anniversary and the name was changed to Awesome. I found it so difficult to focus on God, wherever I looked there was the band or pictures of the band and smoke and noise and distractions. I don't know if it's just me as a person that prefers a more introspective, quiet atmosphere. Audacious is a rollercoaster, it's a contant stream of images, music, speach, there doesn't seem to be any time for reflection or silence, to 'Be still and know that I am God'. It was just too much hype to cope with tonight. The talk was strange, I thought the guy (Mal Fletcher) was a good speaker but I did wonder when he was going to get round to bringing some Bible into it (he did near the end).

I hate being so critical of every church I go to. I desperately want to be able to appreciate a church service and be able to get involved and feel that what I'm getting involved in is right, but I don't feel I could do that anywhere at the moment. So tired of the whole church thing.

Balloon balloon balloon

A passage from one of my favourite books, Make Lemonade by Virginia Euwer Wolff:


Jeremy sits on the underside of the shopping cart,
the bottom rack
where you would put huge things
like a great big bag of dog food.
He's happy under there, he's a lion at the zoo,
as he tells me in front of the canned beet shelves.
He says my name:
"Bon see lion zoo?"He holds on to the cart like it's his cage,
scoping out the legs going past.

Now I start to pretend to be down there,
I begin looking just at legs and feet parading
past the magazines on the rack
about how a lady gave birth to a Martian
and the father of the baby is suing for visiting rights.
Down there is where bubble gum and lost shopping lists go,
stuck to the floor with bootprints on top,
and celery pieces and used pacifiers and spilled coffee beans
from the gourmet grinder.
I look down there
and that's where you see the toes of people
and their hairy ankles
and their untied shoes
and the feet of dry shrunken ladies
when their sons take them shopping.
Up higher you hear their voices
making some last request,
you see their sons go along with it,
some kind of creamed corn or oxtail soup in a can,
and you see their sons stop trying to talk them out of it.
But way down below
where Jeremy is
you just hear the scraping of their shoes
across the spilled rigatoni pieces,
and the limping old legs,
these old ones that haven't given up yet.

I'm thinking that's why they want kids to kid up top
of the cart cruising the grocery store,
up there where the world isn't such a dying, garbagy place of discards.
I'm about to invite Jeremy up top
and I bend down to get the Pepsi 6-pack and I hear
near my knees,
Jeremy's sending a message real soft,
sending it to the knees of strangers:

Balloon Balloon Balloon Balloon
Balloon Balloon Balloon Balloon
Balloon Balloon Balloon Balloon
Balloon Balloon Balloon Balloon
Balloon

Look up!

So many things to write about, so little point. Life in Lauraland was not nice today. Mother is winding me up again. Every so often she manages to crack my veneer and make me doubt my commitment to God. Imagine calmly making lunch while having your mother whisper insults at you (so the visitor in the next room doesn't hear) - 'you're trashing me and , you're so ungrateful, you're rude, you don't respect me, you're not a Christian, how can you claim to be a Christian then treat me like dirt? God will judge you' etc etc. All because I protested at her making constant jokes yesterday while I was trying to fill in a job application. Am I really such a bad person? Do I really give off this horrible energy that makes her hate me so much? The one that most gets to me is her questioning my faith, which she knows nothing about because I haven't talked to her about what I believe for years. She judges me on my church attendance, and, as churches have got it all wrong I'm stupid to keep going. :-/

Bad moods always have a tiny starting point and spiral out of control into stupid insecurities. Should I miss the immediate family that I don't live with? If I don't miss them does that mean I don't love them? If I don't love them does that make me a bad person? Being a Christian - is Mum right or am I right? How can I ever know? I suppose ultimately I can never know for sure which of us is right. In a way it's mind over matter - the more I feed my mind with God, the easier it is to distinguish between our similar but very, very different beliefs. That bit is easy, it's just a slap on the wrist and a note to self not to swallow such utter rubbish. The difficult part is learning to relate to her in a way that God would be proud of. At the moment, I'd be quite happy to move out and cut off all contact with her, it would be blissful relief, but it probably wouldn't be the right outcome. Sometimes being a Christian is so much effort. But hey, life may suck but God is ultimately bigger and better, so it's okay.

Verse of the day:

'We have this treasure from God, but we are like clay jars that hold the treasure. This shows that the great power is from God, not from us. We have troubles all around us, but we are not defeated. We do not know what to do, but we do not give up the hope of living. We are persucuted, but God does not leave us. We are hurt sometimes, but we are not destroyed...

'So we do not give up. Our physical body is becoming older and weaker, but our spirit inside is made new for every day. We have small troubles for a while now, but they are helping us gain an eternal glory that is much greater than the troubles. We set our eyes not on what we see but on what we cannot see. What we see will last only a short time, but what we cannot see will last forever.'

~ 1 Corinthians 4:7-9 and 16-18 (okay so it was a bit more than a verse, but it's a cool passage so go back and read it if you skipped it!)

And just for fun...

You scored as Cinderella. Your alter ego is Cinderella! You often find yourself doing a lot of housework, but if you are patient, your hard work usually pays off. You are prone to losing things, so dont rush through everything. Cinderella 88% Peter Pan 75% Goofy 69% Sleeping Beauty 69% Pinocchio 50% The Beast 50% Donald Duck 19% Snow White 19% Cruella De Ville 19% Ariel 19% Which Disney Character is your Alter Ego? created with QuizFarm.com

The latest quiz

Stolen from Paul, Heather and Carl's blogs... is cultural creative the Christian outcome or is it just coincidence?

You scored as Cultural Creative. Cultural Creatives are probably the newest group to enter this realm. You are a modern thinker who tends to shy away from organized religion but still feels as if there is something greater than ourselves. You are very spiritual, even if you are not religious. Life has a meaning outside of the rational.
What is Your World View? (updated)
created with QuizFarm.com

Stupid title box

Just got back from church, went to TEC again. I know being a Christian shouldn't be based on feelings because they're generally most unreliable, but I'm wondering if today would have been better if I'd gone in a better frame of mind. I was almost ready to not go this morning just because it's one of those days where I'd rather be on my own and not talk to any strangers. But go I did, and it was okay. Another warm welcome, and a couple of people I met last week sought me out to say hello which was nice. The talk was about getting back on track - doing all the little things that help us keep close to God and on the right road, like regular prayer and meditating on the Word, meeting with Christian friends to encourage each other and being part of fellowship in a church (still skeptical about that one).

Haven't done much this week because I've had tonsillitus again and it won't go away. Maybe that's why I'm grumpy! This week I'll be doing more job hunting (latest one is for Costa, yay! I love waitressing), joining a couple of agencies that I had to postpone last week, and getting down to more proofreading work, I've been really lax in that. The grass needs tackled at some point, wooo! I've never felt so contented in life, it's strange because I was in the same position at the beginning of my gap year while looking for the next step, and it was so depressing even though I had uni to look forward to. But I have this real sense of peace now, that it really doesn't matter if things aren't perfect because God is always with me and it's so great to be able to praise him.

Last night I watched 'The Talented Mr Ripley' with Matt Damon, Jude Law (yum) and Gwyneth Paltrow. It was brilliant, a good story based on a novel with some brilliant acting, I think Jude Law got a best supporting actor Oscar or some award for it. It's been added to my reading list!

Beach

Post Secret

I came across this site through another BBC article about blogs. It's interesting, take a look (but I take no responsibility for content!)

Happy Sunday

Yesterday I went to Taverham Evangelical Church, affectionately known to it's members as the TEC. It's attached to Assemblies of God and meets in the village hall, five minutes walk from my house. So why have I never been before? I've grown up with Mum calling it weird and I've never bothered to question her!

It's a fairly small church, there was about 50 people there. I was greeted at the door by Gill who invited me to sit with her. There were some worship songs led by a small band at the front, but they weren't on a platform or intrusive in any way which was nice. After notices and an intercessory/open prayer time, the assistant (female) pastor talked about Phillipians 2 - shining like stars and being servants. I miss the kind of sermons given at Surrey Chapel with lots of meat from the Bible. This one was good, encouraging and uplifting but more anecdotal.

After the service Gill introduced me to two guys about my age, one of whom was the pastor's son and said he recognised me, maybe from middle school in the village. He's planning to go to Hillsong in Sydney next year for some training. I also talked to his dad, the senior pastor, who was one of the founders of the church about 14 years ago. He was really friendly and genuine, I enjoyed talking to him and he was keen to make sure I had all the information I wanted. He said the overall ethos of the church was about loving each other, which I had already picked up from the service, it seems to be a nice church family. He encouraged me to come again so I get a rounded view of the church. I had no problem agreeing to that, it was a good morning and I'm looking forward to going again next week!

More stuff

I was intending to blog about church today, but I'd much rather write about My Fair Lady because it's sitting in front of me. Old films are great, specially ones with Audrey Hepburn and big song and dance numbers. I just had a fantastic thought: I'll do a random blog. On my desk there is...

a laptop
a desk lamp
two DVDs
a pink stripey mug
a candle holder
paperweight
a stereo and a CD
pot of pens
a coaster and an empty glass
two books on churchy stuff
a dictionary
a letter
two bracelets
a watch
a hair clip
theatre tickets
a job rejection (it would've been dead boring)
packet of fine coloured pens (one of my most prized possessions!)

It's incredible how much stuff we have... all this is just on my desk :-/ Oh to sell it all and live in a tent. Would be brilliant.

Books n stuff

Hello readers, I haven't had anything interesting to write about so I've stopped blogging. But I miss it so now I'm just gonna write and see if I can make a story out of nothing (I'm thinking about doing a journalism course after proofreading!)

Reading is one of my favourite ever things to do, something to do with losing yourself and expanding horizons. The world is such an exciting place and there's so much to learn! As soon as I've fininshed 'Mrs Dalloway' I want to start on 'The Handmaid's Tale'. I still have a bookmark in 'The Emerging Church' by Dan Kimball... it's still something I want to know more about but sometimes I just want to get on with life and stop daydreaming, and emerging church is one of those things that don't yet seem grounded in reality in my mind. Looking forward to starting 'In Search of Authentic Faith' sometime soon.

Proofreading course is going pretty well, it's interesting though I'm slogging through learning lots of strange squiggles at the moment which is tedious. But studying from home is so great, as soon as I start doodling and realise I'm bored I can leave it for a while and come back later, and I have no guilt trips because there are no deadlines. I've decided to give myself a target for finishing the course so it doesn't drag on forever, and as I have a handy countdown clock on my computer for Harry Potter 6 (currently 58 days, 2 hours and 31 minutes!) that's my deadline! Should finish well before then though.

Well, that was a pretty good ramble about nothing.

Yay!

Got an A in my first proofreading test :)

Helping Mum around the house today and doing some more of my course. We have one of her friends to stay and be looked after because he had an operation yesterday.

My aim for the rest of this week is to be more loving towards Mum (please tell me off if I moan). Lou's profile - "I try my best to be lovely" - is challenging me!

Beyond Borders

My friends are probably sick of me going on about this film, but I can't get it out of my head. A bit of blurb - Beyond Borders (2004) stars Angelina Joli as 'Sarah Jordan, a sheltered American socialite living in London. When she meets Nick Callahan (Clive Owen) a rengrade doctor, his commitment to humanitarian efforts in war-torn nations moves her deeply. Driven by her passion for Nick [there has to be a Hollywood element somewhere I suppose] and his life's work, Sarah risks everything to embark on a perilous journey that leads to the most volitile far corners of the earth.'

This is the kind of film that has you in tears in the first ten minutes. It portrays the stark difference between the huge waste that goes on in Western civilisation and the desperate need of people affected by war and famine. How can there be such an awful imbalance in the world? More importantly, what can we do about it?

UNHCR (United Nations High Commissioner for Refugees) is featured in Beyond Borders, which led to Angelina Joli becoming a goodwill ambassador for them. You can read her Sudan diaries here. The themes are still playing in my mind weeks after watching this...

Dreams 1

Someone told me recently that out of frustration, vision is birthed. I have lots of frustrations, all of them often including me, so please don't see this as picking at others as if I'm blameless...

* Church can be dull, where people have lost passion for God and forgotten to fix their eyes on Him and give Him their all
* Church can be lively and relevant to today's culture but can fail to be authentic
* There's a need, a HUGE need, in this country for God. People need to be saved!
* There isn't any persecution in this country - that suggests to me that there's something wrong with the body of Christ in Britain. When good things are happening for God, there is persecution and hardship to deal with as a result. Are we really as on fire for God as we'd like to think?
* Complacency and apathy are irritating. We're too comfortable in our Sunday routines, sitting in our comfortable seats listening to a mildly challenging sermon. Where's the passion? Where's the urgency?

Other half to this will have to come later, it's been a challenging evening.

Fridays...

... was rocking tonight! Had a really good prayer time before it started with some other Fridayites which set the tone for the evening. One of the leaders said at the end that they really felt God working, and I totally agreed, it was a different feeling to Proclaimers where they seem to say that all the time yet nothing resonates within me. Hmm, still very much undecided on the church front.

Lord of all creation
Of water, earth and sky
The heavens are your tabernacle
Glory to the God on high

God of wonders beyond our galaxy
You are holy, holy
The universe declares your majesty
You are holy, holy

Hallelujah to the Lord of heaven and earth

Forgiveness

People say that faith is a crutch for those too weak to deal with life without it. I say that it becomes a crutch when I fail to acknowledge at all times that God is bigger and better than me. When life suddenly get hard and I realise I can't go it alone, I'm treating God like a crutch. That isn't what God demands of me. He's not my back-up plan, He's there to be worshipped 24/7, 100% of my time. I tend to forget that when life is great, God is even greater and still demands my worship. 'Faith is a crutch' is my fault. My inadequacy can turn into people's arguments against God, and that isn't giving God His due.

You humble me, Lord
You humble me, Lord
I'm on my knees, empty
You humble me, Lord
You humble me, Lord
Please, please, please forgive me

Odd worship thoughts

Saw Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy at the cinema today. It was funny, especially a scene that parodied the church (I'm ashamed to say it but I thought that was one of the best bits!) It's strange how looking from the outside at something like church can make it seem so ritualistic and stupid. But does it change things if we're worshipping I AM rather than the Great White Handkerchief or whoever he was? Surely anything we do to worship God is going to be trivial and not enough to do Him justice?

I think I'm going to go to Surrey Chapel this Sunday, partly to test the water a bit (I haven't decided that church really isn't where I'm at) and partly to catch up with people I probably should have kept in touch with more. Pity the reason is never to worship God *guilty*. Heigh ho.

Fellow bloggers...

You're all great! You constantly challenge and inspire me. Thank you!

See new link on the sidebar to Lou's blog, and click here to see one of Carl's articles.

Unorganised thoughts on church

I thought it might be time to articulate some thoughts on church before my head explodes with all these thoughts rushing around and colliding.

I'm now about half way through 'A Churchless Faith' (see sidebar). It's interesting, and it's helping me understand where I am at the moment and where I have been. I haven't attended church regularly since I went to uni apart from a few months at Proclaimers. Having decided that Proclaimers isn't where I want to be, I'm wondering what to do next... do I go back to Surrey Chapel, find somewhere else or go nowhere? And is going nowhere such an awful thing?

The function of church is puzzling me at the moment. If we can live for God, serve others and be part of the Church (the body of Christ) without attending a church (earthly institution), what is church as we know it today for? I find I learn more by being part of the NYFC forum and reading blogs than in sermons at church. There are numerous opportunities to serve without being part of a church. I can take part in corporate worship at Fridays or F2. I don't feel there are any gaps in my life as a Christian (apart from being more disciplined about reading my Bible and praying, but that's always been a personal thing rather than something that church provides or aids). I feel I'm getting dangerously close to arguing that Fridays/F2 can be a good replacement for church! I'm not sure I am thinking that though... more that church in its available form is unsatisfactory and there doesn't seem to be any good reason for going through the stress and frustration that being part of a church brings. I don't know if that's me looking for an easy life though.

On going nowhere... I used to think it was bad not to go to church, not to be in fellowship with other Christians. But, again, if the function of church is being met elsewhere, is it really necessary to be a member of a church? This is a thought I had when applying for gap year things last year, people wanted to know that I had been active in a church and could get a pastor's affirmation, but how do you explain to people that yes, you're a Christian, yes, an active one, but no, not currently attending church? I hate being boxed.

I wouldn't mind going back to Surrey Chapel, but only for the preaching. I'm not very keen on going back though. They're writing up constitutions and formalising the leadership and stuff like that, which is good in a way but all seems too political and I don't want to be involved in anything like that. It seems to be that the bigger the gathering of Christians the more political it gets. Also, I suspect the reasons I wasn't happy there before uni would quickly crop up again.

Coffee break church would be good, meeting with friends for worship, accountability and learning, a close, personal, spiritual experience. Another thought on churches is that it can be like prescribed Bible reading notes, we maybe expect the sermon to relate to us all the time, but it doesn't necessarily. I don't know why we expect a sermon to be of use to 300 people at a time when God is a personal God.

A thought common to many of the people interviewed in 'A Churchless Faith' seems to be "It wasn't where I was at". I can relate to that. I think in order to grow changes must be made sometimes, or you can easily stagnate. A year or two ago I would have thought that if a church didn't fit with me it was doing something wrong, but the more I appreciate people's diversity the more I see how all the churches I've visited over the past 6 months, in St Andrews and Norwich, are all doing good things and are good for certain people. (Except maybe St Salvator's in St Andrews, what a totally dead church!) So maybe church is just not where I'm at right now. I don't know! I have lots more thoughts on this subject but that will do for now. Any comments/kicks in the right direction gratefully recieved :)

Pensieve

I can't be bothered to articulate my thoughts properly today. I wish a pensieve was obtainable. If I could get my hands on one, here are some things you might see swirling around in the silvery mist...

- an American Beauty kind of day... completely warped and messed up but somehow beautiful

- "I want everyone clapping before I start this bassline" - worship leader at Proclaimers

- how can heaven be exciting without having to deal with sin and all the problems that come from sin? I'm in a bubble, wrapped up in what I consider to be important and busy trying to better myself when there are people dying in the world and the love of God to tell people about. What do I think I'm doing?!

- "I'd like to go to Oak Grove, they do lots of community things... but maybe too much" - how can a church do too much work in the community?!

- what on earth is "post-Christian" supposed to mean?

- all hype and no God

- what am I really looking for in a church?

- can Jesus and community and fellowship and discipleship and evangelism and passion for God be found outside of churches?

- I need a decent night's sleep. And I wish I wasn't ruled by the moon.

- "how cold is the heart when it's warmth that it seeks..."


Tiredness not good.

Who should you vote for?

Who should I vote for?

Your expected outcome:

Labour

Your actual outcome:

	Labour 10
Conservative -10
	Liberal Democrat 15
UK Independence Party -5
	Green 10

You should vote: Liberal Democrat

The LibDems take a strong stand against tax cuts and a strong one in favour of public services: they would make long-term residential care for the elderly free across the UK, and scrap university tuition fees. They are in favour of a ban on smoking in public places, but would relax laws on cannabis. They propose to change vehicle taxation to be based on usage rather than ownership.

Take the test at Who Should You Vote For

Sting

She said, "Hey baby I don't mean to be flip
But it seems this old man is on some power trip"
I said, "No, no sugar you must be wrong
I mean look at the size of this boat we're on
We're as safe as houses, as safe as mother's milk
He's as cool as November, smooth as china silk
He's God's best friend, he's got a seat on the boat
And life may be tough but we're sailing with the Lord

- Rock Steady (about Sting and his girl being passangers on Noah's ark)

If we seek solace in the prisons of the distant past
Security in human systems we're told will always, always last
Emotions are the sail and blind faith is the mast
Without the breath of real freedom, we're getting nowhere fast

- History Will Teach us Nothing

Whatever music I listen to, I always end up coming back to and marvelling at the genius that is Sting. There's this thread running through lots of his songs about the sacredness of love. He weaves a beautiful picture of how love should be... not floating through a deep blue sky with a violin-playing goat (sorry, first thing that came to mind - Notting Hill), but a deep respect and care for the one he loves. And then there's gems like above. And add to that music which is imaginative and demanding of its players and you have a match made in heaven. Sting rules!

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The post was exciting today (or is it the mail here? Bill Bryson completely confused me on that one - in America the post arrives when the mailman delivers, but in Britain the mail arrives when the postman comes... yup I was wrong, it's mail here!) I got two DVDs, Shakepeare in Love which I'll look forward to watching later or tomorrow, and the last ever episode of Friends (what a disappointment). I also got the first two modules of my proofreading course, so now I have an excuse to correct every piece of writing I come across! This is a distance course so I can work as little or as much as I like (suits my procrastination completely, hope I don't blow it!) More discipline in my life would be good, I'd like to do things when I need to do them rather than last minute.

New plan for the near future: become a professional proofreader and do freelance work in time to be recruited to proofread the last Harry Potter book before it comes out!

Monday Morning Ickiness

I want to achieve so much this week, as in every week, and will probably fail miserably again. Why are Monday mornings ALWAYS Monday mornings, wherever you are, whatever you're doing? I think we should scrap the week altogether.

Mum told me interesting stuff last night. Apparantly we can give out energy which can effect other people when they pick up on it. Prophet guy can see the colour of the energy - black is the worst, red and grey are also bad, ranging to gold which is the best kind of energy that God wants us to produce. It makes sense in a strange other-world kinda way... but what really irritates me is the way the "prophet" can almost dictate what other people are feeling - he told Mum that I was giving out black energy when people were arriving for their "Bible" study last night. I was upstairs playing flute, one of the most beautiful pieces of music in the world (from A Midsummer Night's Dream by Mendelssohn), admittedly getting a bit frustrated because it's hard to play, but enjoying the music. And that was spewing out black energy. This guy told Mum she was giving out grey energy a few nights ago and she believed him, even though she didn't feel it.

The annoying thing is that when Mum tells me this stuff it makes me really annoyed, so therefore antagonistic towards her especially when she doesn't accept that I'm not going to believe everything she tells me. And she always catches me when I'm down or haven't read the Bible for ages or prayed properly for a while.

Dissatisfaction with everything is continuing, but the challenge seems to be to make what comes out of it good and beautiful, rather than negative and destructive.

Half-formed ponderings

Are confidence and humility mututally exclusive? I'm sure there must be people who are humble and confident, but it seems hard to cultivate an attitude like that.

Is church as we know it today the way God intended it to be? The early church in Acts seems to different from today, have we strayed too far? They had ethics that we don't seem to embrace, like sharing all our possessions and pooling resources. A closeness to God and burning integrity that isn't there now - we don't see people struck down dead by God for lying in church.

Dissatisfaction seems to be the theme of the week so far... church, relationships, integrity, attitude. Hope it doesn't continue, it's depressing!

Church

Church occassionally builds me up but more often winds me up. It was just little things tonight, things that I've gradually noticed since settling into this new church. I'm realising even more that no church is perfect, though I did hope that this one was going to be a little better than my previous church. Grr! Maybe I'll blog later when I'm not so frustrated.

Connor

Sorry for the more journal type entires recently, I can't write in two at once for some reason, always get distracted with one and everything mixes up!

This week I've been looking after Connor, aged 8, while he's on holiday from school. He's a great little boy. I've known him since he was 3 and it's cool to see him grow up. He now has a bath, gets dressed and eats with no fuss, which is a huge improvement! We're great friends, I love hearing his thoughts and what school and home with his mum and brothers is like (I look after him at his dad's). While I was making him lunch today he drew me a picture of a rabbit and wrote "To Lorer I love you sow muc love Connor xxxxx". It's nice to be appreciated :)

Frustration!

I want to be doing something for God, doing what He wants of me, giving my life up to Him so that He can use me for His will. I want my whole life to be for God, and at the moment I can't square living for God while going to uni or getting a job or starting a career. There's so much more important stuff to do. Fridays last night was about living for God in whatever you do, whether you work in a secular environment or a Christian one, whether you're a businessman or a missionary, but I can't imagine doing anything that doesn't have a God-sized vision.

I'm annoyed with God for not showing up and saying, "This is what I want you to do, Laura." But how can I be annoyed at God for that while I don't give everything I have to Him right now? (Thanks for the kick Helen.) There's a parable Jesus told about a guy who gave his servants different amounts of money to look after while he was gone, and the two given the most invested it and earned more for their master, and the one with the least buried the money to keep it safe. When the guy got back, he said to the ones that had earned more, "Well done, good and faithful servants! You have been faithful with a few things; I will now put you in charge of many things. Come and share in your master's happiness!" (Mathew 25:14-30) My thinking at the moment is that if I can't be faithful in the small things, like reading God's Word outside church, or even talking to Him more, I can't really expect God to talk to me.

Overriding thought last night was "There must be more than this" (Consuming Fire by Tim Hughes), and another line from the same song: "Lord, let your glory fall." I want so much more of God, yet at the same time I don't! I'm reading The God Chasers by Tommy Tenny at the moment, crawling through it because it's so dense and challenging, but I've finished Chapter 3 - "There's Got to be More" which talks about seeking God's face rather than just His benefits or blessings. Here's an extract:

'When the annointing comes, if you're a preacher you preach better. But when the glory falls, you can't do anything. You stumble and stutter and just want to get out of the way. When you're a singer and you're annointed, you sing better. But when the glory falls, you can barely sing. Why? Because God declared that no flesh is goinng to glory in His presence (see 1 Cor 1:29). This doesn't mean that you're a bad person or that you live in sin. It means that you are flesh and blood caught in the very presence of God...
'... [Real revival] begins with the prayer of the hungry: There's got to be more.'

Good book, get hold of it (there's one copy in the main library in Norwich, but I have it at the moment!)

It's a huge challenge to sing "Lord, let your glory fall" and really mean it. There's got to be more... I know that God is so big and so glorious that I can't comprehend even a tiny bit of His greatness, but I know that I want Him. But I also know that I couldn't handle God's glory! God said to Moses "You cannot see my face, for no-one may see me and live." (Exodus 33:20)

"You must increase, I must decrease, Lord."

Bits

We're going to Momentum!! See Helen's blog and Soul Survivor.

Haven't got much to blog about at the moment. I'm thinking about doing English at the UEA. English Literature or English Studies maybe... probably the latter because I have the grades for that.

If that doesn't appeal, go here to get your very own countdown banner for your desktop (105 days to go!)

(And if that doesn't appeal either, go here)

Brainwashing 2

Church was different tonight, it was set out with round tables and candles and there was jazz playing as people came in. Rather than a full band, it was just acoustic guitar and a singer leading the worship.

A phrase that jumped out at me during the sermon was, "It's not brainwashing, it's a renewal of our minds." That reminded me of a Greek word my theology lecturer last year used constantly - metanoia, which means a complete transformation or renewal of our apperceptions. It's used throughout the New Testament (and, as far as I remember, in Matthew 16 - read on) but is normally translated as repentance.

Every judgement we make starts from a set of beliefs or assumptions or suppositions, which means that we're normally looking to ourselves to verify things. There's a famous maxim that was inscribed on the Sun god Apollo's Oracle of Delphi temple in Ancient Greece, "Know Thyself", the theory being this: "If thou knowest thyself well, thou art better and more praiseworthy before God, than if thou didst not know thyself."

Christianity is different. Instead of looking to ourselves or other sources for verification we can look to God. The story of Peter's confession of Christ in Matthew 16 demonstrates this. Jesus asks Peter who people said he is, and Peter answered "You are the Christ, the Son of the living God." Jesus responded "Blessed are you, Simon son of Jonah, because this was not revealed to you by man but by my Father in heaven." As Christians, we can't verify our knowledge of God from what other people tell us or from our own thinking (although these are useful methods for perhaps consolidating belief), but from God. God changes all our prior knowledge and appreceptions so that our minds can be transformed in the knowledge of Him.

So back to brainwashing... "It's not brainwashing, it's a renewal of our minds." When I think of brainwashing, I think of big events where exhortations from the pulpit (or stage/whatever) or corporate worship or maybe even using music to set a mood can easily be misconstrued as mass brainwashing. I think the important thing to remember is that each person involved in those settings is on a personal journey, each person is in the process of having their mind renewed. SO in a way, it is brainwashing, but in a very literal sense - God is washing our minds and transforming us so we can be more like Jesus.

In a practical sense, I'm still not sure how this image can be avoided, or how our awareness of people's perception of Christianity as brainwashing should alter how we do things... eagerly awaiting Carl's explanation of his last comment! "IMO, brainwashing is a very real danger that we should be careful to avoid - I think your awareness of it should affect how you teach people the gospel, maybe."