So many things to write about, so little point. Life in Lauraland was not nice today. Mother is winding me up again. Every so often she manages to crack my veneer and make me doubt my commitment to God. Imagine calmly making lunch while having your mother whisper insults at you (so the visitor in the next room doesn't hear) - 'you're trashing me and , you're so ungrateful, you're rude, you don't respect me, you're not a Christian, how can you claim to be a Christian then treat me like dirt? God will judge you' etc etc. All because I protested at her making constant jokes yesterday while I was trying to fill in a job application. Am I really such a bad person? Do I really give off this horrible energy that makes her hate me so much? The one that most gets to me is her questioning my faith, which she knows nothing about because I haven't talked to her about what I believe for years. She judges me on my church attendance, and, as churches have got it all wrong I'm stupid to keep going. :-/
Bad moods always have a tiny starting point and spiral out of control into stupid insecurities. Should I miss the immediate family that I don't live with? If I don't miss them does that mean I don't love them? If I don't love them does that make me a bad person? Being a Christian - is Mum right or am I right? How can I ever know? I suppose ultimately I can never know for sure which of us is right. In a way it's mind over matter - the more I feed my mind with God, the easier it is to distinguish between our similar but very, very different beliefs. That bit is easy, it's just a slap on the wrist and a note to self not to swallow such utter rubbish. The difficult part is learning to relate to her in a way that God would be proud of. At the moment, I'd be quite happy to move out and cut off all contact with her, it would be blissful relief, but it probably wouldn't be the right outcome. Sometimes being a Christian is so much effort. But hey, life may suck but God is ultimately bigger and better, so it's okay.
Verse of the day:
'We have this treasure from God, but we are like clay jars that hold the treasure. This shows that the great power is from God, not from us. We have troubles all around us, but we are not defeated. We do not know what to do, but we do not give up the hope of living. We are persucuted, but God does not leave us. We are hurt sometimes, but we are not destroyed...
'So we do not give up. Our physical body is becoming older and weaker, but our spirit inside is made new for every day. We have small troubles for a while now, but they are helping us gain an eternal glory that is much greater than the troubles. We set our eyes not on what we see but on what we cannot see. What we see will last only a short time, but what we cannot see will last forever.'
~ 1 Corinthians 4:7-9 and 16-18 (okay so it was a bit more than a verse, but it's a cool passage so go back and read it if you skipped it!)
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7 comments:
Keep going! Maybe when you do move out, the distance will help your relationship with your Mum. Until then keep striving to find a way that 'God would be proud of'. I'd say he's proud already!
Drummerboi
Whilst 'honouring your mother and father,' remember she's being a muppet, and you're far better than she says, and God is far greater than she thinks.
i know it's different, but my relationship with my mum has become miles better since I moved out. Moving out doesn't have to mean cutting all contact. Makes contact you do have more special (in thery ;))
look i will arrange for 3 big italian thugs to bundle her in the back of a transit van and drop her off on the out-skirts of Leeds.
Thats the way we deal with these situations in Trowse anyway....
I think we should lock our mothers in a room together. But not really.
It's so cool that youre still trying with her though, you will get there. i havent yet but I've given up trying....maybe I should take a leaf out of your book!
Take care hun x
I'm not so sure, I think there has to come a point where you realise the situation isn't going to improve and you have to gracefully back down and get out as soon as possible. I think I'm on that path now!
Thanks for all the comments :)
I wanted to add things about your mother (hope that's OK?!)
1) There comes a natural point in people's lives where they out grow living at home. After being at uni I would have thought you are well beyond this point! There is no need to feel guilty about this, it's natural.
2) Also don't feel guilty that you HAVE to be at home because it's all you can afford atm. God will provide you with the were-with-all to get out eventually.
3) There are some interesting dynamics with your mum. These dynamics speak more about your mum than they do you. She is worried that you are going to get a job and not be dependant on her any more. She thinks she is going to lose you. She is insecure and desperate. She is trying to manipulate you. You need to be strong and be confident. You are a Christian, you are good enough to get a job, you are a good daughter. All you need to do is listen to the truth and not what she is saying with her mouth.
I hope I haven't been too presumptuous in saying these things. I hope they help...
May God bless you and strengthen you in these times especially with your mum. Amen
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