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Life seems so busy, I want a whole day to chill and be me and just potter around. I miss having time to listen to Radio 4, I miss reading, I miss remembering to be a Christian, I miss having a tidy bedroom. I like being busy though, because it means not being alone much. I don't like being alone at the moment.

Went to some of evensong after work with Ben today but unfortunately I just wanted to giggle and play outside. The music is very beautiful (most of it anyway). There was a little variation at the end this time when everyone went forward for communion. Communion in Anglican churches scares me. I feel like I'm playing hide and seek with God, the kind of hide and seek where the hidee changes their hiding place while the seeker is still looking, which isn't fair. I'm so lost with church and have no idea what my next move should be. I'd much rather make a study of it than participate. I've gone yet another half week forgetting that God exists, forgetting that prayer exists, let alone it being something I should do.

I like the idea of being a happy moral secularist, not because it ignores God but because it seems easy, and I want the easy way. I want to argue that when life is sometimes so challenging God should be the easy nice hiding place. (Haha Bush still can't say nuclear - 'nucaler'!) What's the motivation for making life even harder by including God in every equation? Don't worry, I'm not giving up and don't need any lectures, really!

Carl once posted a picture of his messy bedroom. Mine is so, so messy that I'd be embarrassed to take a picture of it, let alone publish it! Eeek the thought of getting up super early tomorrow to tidy just flitted through my head, I need to get a life!

Today at work I did about 5 hours worth of work in less than that time, so started reading one of those mini Penguin anniversary books, a few chapters from 'The View From Mount Improbable' by Richard Dawkins. I didn't understand it. 'Birds Without Wings', however, is being good and there are many more beautiful pages to go. It's about a small Muslim and Christian community, it's really interesting how the two religions mix and live alongside each other. But war is to be declared so I guess it will all shatter. There was a quote from a Londoner about the bombings on the NU intranet news site the other day (yeah I spent a lot of time on there today as well) - 'This is forever. There will be no solutions. The only solution is a country with no religion.' I wish the world wasn't so messed up, and I hate the fact that I contribute towards the messed upness of the world.

Sometimes I wonder what we are without friends. What makes us us, apart from how we relate to others? Are we human if we don't love? I didn't mean my blog to be this depressing today, honest.