Frustration!

I want to be doing something for God, doing what He wants of me, giving my life up to Him so that He can use me for His will. I want my whole life to be for God, and at the moment I can't square living for God while going to uni or getting a job or starting a career. There's so much more important stuff to do. Fridays last night was about living for God in whatever you do, whether you work in a secular environment or a Christian one, whether you're a businessman or a missionary, but I can't imagine doing anything that doesn't have a God-sized vision.

I'm annoyed with God for not showing up and saying, "This is what I want you to do, Laura." But how can I be annoyed at God for that while I don't give everything I have to Him right now? (Thanks for the kick Helen.) There's a parable Jesus told about a guy who gave his servants different amounts of money to look after while he was gone, and the two given the most invested it and earned more for their master, and the one with the least buried the money to keep it safe. When the guy got back, he said to the ones that had earned more, "Well done, good and faithful servants! You have been faithful with a few things; I will now put you in charge of many things. Come and share in your master's happiness!" (Mathew 25:14-30) My thinking at the moment is that if I can't be faithful in the small things, like reading God's Word outside church, or even talking to Him more, I can't really expect God to talk to me.

Overriding thought last night was "There must be more than this" (Consuming Fire by Tim Hughes), and another line from the same song: "Lord, let your glory fall." I want so much more of God, yet at the same time I don't! I'm reading The God Chasers by Tommy Tenny at the moment, crawling through it because it's so dense and challenging, but I've finished Chapter 3 - "There's Got to be More" which talks about seeking God's face rather than just His benefits or blessings. Here's an extract:

'When the annointing comes, if you're a preacher you preach better. But when the glory falls, you can't do anything. You stumble and stutter and just want to get out of the way. When you're a singer and you're annointed, you sing better. But when the glory falls, you can barely sing. Why? Because God declared that no flesh is goinng to glory in His presence (see 1 Cor 1:29). This doesn't mean that you're a bad person or that you live in sin. It means that you are flesh and blood caught in the very presence of God...
'... [Real revival] begins with the prayer of the hungry: There's got to be more.'

Good book, get hold of it (there's one copy in the main library in Norwich, but I have it at the moment!)

It's a huge challenge to sing "Lord, let your glory fall" and really mean it. There's got to be more... I know that God is so big and so glorious that I can't comprehend even a tiny bit of His greatness, but I know that I want Him. But I also know that I couldn't handle God's glory! God said to Moses "You cannot see my face, for no-one may see me and live." (Exodus 33:20)

"You must increase, I must decrease, Lord."