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Father, God...
What more can I do than give Your name thanks and praise for all the works of Your hands?
I alow my mind to wonder to this last year, and think to all the things You've shown me; everything through which You've bought me; the hours You've spent by my side, showing me more and more of Your awesome holiness; fulfilling Your will in my life; and blessing my every step.
Thank You, Lord for the spirit of Christmas. Thank You for the opportunities for families to meet again and for the joy bought to child upon child on Christmas morning. Thank You for those who had to work on Christmas day. Help me not to forget them, that my joy might not be selfish. But above all, I ask that Your name might be sought and worshipped as it should... Lord, it is so easy to say all the joy - even that of those who proclaim not to believe - is thanks to that day in the stable two thousend years ago. It is another for me to show the world that: so I rely soley on Your name. Put the words in my mouth I shoud speak and let my actions be witness for Your holy name.
Thank You for every single miracle You've worked this year. Thank You that You have not hidden Your face to Your bride or been angry with Your children. I praise You that You're so amazing - there are more miracles You work in a single day I could ever hope to understand in a lifetime.
Thank You for love.... the love between a parent & child; the love between brothers; the enigmatical love between lovers and most importantly: the You and I have for each other.
I ask that You don't think upon the sins I have done this year. You took the price of them on the cross, and for that I think You as wholly as I can. You are trully an awesome God...... so.....
Lord, bless us: every one.
love benvolio, x
I'm going home to Norwich on Saturday, and looking forward to it which is an unusual but nice feeling. The journey will be a chance to get my teeth into another book, six hours of guilt free procrastination with scenery of the coast wizzing by. I love train journies sometimes.
On Sunday I'll be churching in Norwich and catching up with all those lovely people who never talked to me as much before I went away. I need to do brithday shopping for Mum aswell... don't really like shopping on a Sunday but it'll have to be done before Monday. In the evening I'm going to Audacious... never been before but it'll be cool to meet some forumites :D
Before all the holiday things, however, I have an essay to do. This one's on Columba and the Christianising of Scotland. I got my Exodus one handed in 6 workdays late (and that's all they count thankfully) but it's done. I now hate The Prince of Egypt with a passion though. Education always turns things into horrible mountains of work rather than being enjoyable. English lit used to annoy me in that way because it would wreck my love of a book. Some things are just better left not studied.
It's Zoe's 18th birthday today (housemate) so we've had hilarity and lots of Chinese takeaway and chocolate cake. Zoe and Ari went to see a uni drama production of My Fair Lady last week and have been quoting non-stop... the rain in Spain falls gently on the plane, but hurricanes don't happen in Hertfordshire, Hereford and somewhere else and all that. Zoe blamed me for making her develop a posh accent since she's been at uni, which is laughable because she sounds posher than me with her strange Scottish/English mix, and now I keep finding myself unintentionally inserting "well" into sentences (thas well good tha' is) in an attempt to be unposh, not that I was ever posh in the first place! Ari describes herself as our "token American" and often lapses into streams of "it's, like, sooo cool!" with lots of profanities which I shan't repeat as there's a link to my blog on NYFC. Accents are so much fun.
Only 3 days til home now
Longing For Escape I
Oh, how wonderful it must be
To be the sea!
To be that free
To travel and see
Not like me
Who cannot flee.
Oh, how wonderful it must be
To be the ocean!
If only there were a potion
Or maybe a lotion
To further my notion
And make me into an ocean!
Oh, how wonderful it must be
To be a bay!
To just stay
Or drift away
From terrible frays
All your days.
Oh, how wonderful it must be
To be a stream!
To always gleam
Never to scream
In my dreams
I'd like to be a stream!
from: http://www.tinymuse.org/~nightowl/Poetry/longing.html
This can't be healthy.
The sea is such a magical place. I could stare at it forever and never get bored. It's different every day, the colours of the water and the sky change but are beautiful every time. Today the sea was grey-blue and it misty, so with the low craggy cliffs and the old stone pier, it looked like something out of a Celtic fairy tale. I expected a little boat to sail out of the mist any second, carrying Bonnie Prince Charlie. Except I'm in St Andrews, not Skye. Dammit.
You are a Guilty Procrastinator! This is probably the least constructive form of procrastination. Oh, you procrastinate alright. Trouble is, you don't get any joy out of it. You may leave everything until the last minute, but deep down, meeting that deadline is important to you. Even though you really, really don't feel like doing the work required. Unlike other procrastinators, you are constantly, guiltily, aware of the work you should be doing, and this poisons your joy in the various things you come up with to avoid it. In fact, you have the ability to procrastinate by doing absolutely nothing except agonizing over the fact that you are
procrastinating. Do yourself a favor - learn to rejoice in your procrastination, or learn to
be organised - its not like you're having any fun as things stand...
What kind of Procrastinator are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
...as seen on Thorpey's blog.
Oh well *sigh*
It's getting desperate... I'm still working on one essay that is now 3 days late, and I haven't even started on the one due tomorrow :(
I'm not sure if this is just because I'm being unorganised and stressing myself out unnecessarily, but the novelty of university is starting to wear off. I'm beginning to get the same trapped feeling that I had during A Levels, wanting to do anything but sit through a lecture, forgetting to take noted because I'm dreaming about being in a better place... This has been fuelled by someone stupidly suggesting we go travelling next year (luvya anyway I suppose), which would be really cool and would be an escape, but it would mean dropping out of university for now. Having a degree in order to get a good job and settle down into mediocrity never appealed to me, but I'm not sure about putting uni on hold... I probably wouldn't return if I did, but should I throw away a place at "one of the country's most prestigious unis," as my dad constantly reminds me? I kind of had sense that this was where God wanted me to be, but I don't know if that was just wishful thinking because I was finally away from home and the monotony of work. Am I destined to become bored with everything I do within a year?
Far too many thoughts.
Every so often I reach the bottom of myself and have to admit that life isn't all it seems to be. So often we all go around in our bubbles, and when something happens to break a bit of the bubble it challenges your perception of the world. Which is a good thing. I think.
Finally got a chance to watch my DVD of The Butterfly Effect with one of my housemates yesterday. It was so cool, I'd forgotten how good it was. I was slightly disappointed with the director's cut ending though, it was still sad but not as good as the cinema version I think. It was also pretty horrible... but I'm not going to spoil it for anyone! I was also disappointed that they didn't include the cinema ending in the deleted scenes... they had several similar endings, including a "happy sappy ending" (dontcha just love Americans? ;) but not my favourite ending!! Very much worth getting though, it's an excellent film.
I can't believe how great things are going with God at the moment. It's nice to be in a good patch, and hopefully it won't be just a patch. For the first time in months and months I'm looking orward to going to church on Sunday, which is great feeling. It's nice not to dread it anymore. I think I'll go to the charismatic in the morning and the baptist in the evening... as long as I can get this esay nearly finished before then. Will definately go to the charismatic in the morning though.
This essay is a comparrison between the film The Prince of Egypt and the book of Exodus, focusing on Chaptes 1-20. It may sound like fun but it's surprisingly difficult. Having been told all through English to avoid film/screen questions whatever the other option is, I don't feel very confident about writing this essay. But hey, I only need to get 5/20 for the module to get Permission to Proceed (how scary that sounds) so I'm sure it'll be okay.
Been feeling all Christmasy and it's only the 4th December *shock!* Joy to the World is such a great song *grin.* Baaah Scrooge to all you humbugs out there!
I'm obsessed with the song "Wind beneath my wings" (sung by Bette Midler) at the moment. Here's some words:
It must have been cold there in my shadow,
to never have sunlight on your face.
You were content to let me shine, that's your way.
You always walked a step behind.
So I was the one with all the glory,
while you were the one with all the strain.
A beautiful face without a name for so long.
A beautiful smile to hide the pain.
Did you ever know that you're my hero,
and everything I would like to be?
I can fly higher than an eagle,
for you are the Wind Beneath My Wings.
It might have appeared to go unnoticed,
but I've got it all here in my heart.
I want you to know I know the truth, of course I know it.
I would be nothing without you.
It's from a film called Beaches which is about two best friends, one who's a famous singer and sings this song for her friend. It sounds plotless but it isn't, it's a gorgeous film that makes me cry every time I see it because it's so sad at the end. I annoy myself with my soppiness sometimes.
Another batch of essays done at the last minute *cringe.* When I have a crisis like this I always have a flick through the trusty "Seven Habits for Effective Teens", focussing on habit three: Put First Things First. The thing is, every time I read it I'm already in a state of crisis, and putting first things first involves getting the essay written in time to hand in in 12 hours (hopefully with 7 hours sleep and a day of lectures somewhere in there).
Elly, one of my housemates, is the complete opposite. She has an essay due in four days and she's already finished it. She does so much work it's ridiculous! Louise is even worse, working right up to the deadline then runs to town to hand it in hoping that she'll catch the lecturer emptying the pigeon hole and be let off the penalty marks for lateness. At least I'm not that bad, it's good living with Louise!
On Sunday I went to the baptist church again, with Louise this time. It was nice having someone to sit with, especially someone who's good at mingling at the end. That's the worst part of church I find. Still not sure about sticking with the baptist. I'm comfortable there because it's so like my home church in style but in a way I don't want to be comfortable. You've got to lose sight of the land to reach new shores and all that.
It's the Christmas holidays in three weeks time, this semester has flown by. I feel like I've been at uni forever (in a good way) but in fact it's only been 8 weeks. There are many advent calenders kicking around in the house and much talk of Christmas presents. I've decided to start my Christmas shopping on the 19/20th December, which is cutting it fine but I'm not too keen on lugging presents all the way down on the train. This is planned procrastination, so it's ok!
I've given up on making this look all pretty, sorry bout that.
Update on the past couple of weeks... last week was reading week. I went to London first to see Dad for the weekend, brother in tow too which was nice for a change. Except that what was supposed to be a six hour train journey from Leuchars to King's Cross was actually 8 and a half due to such silly things as a train crash causing a detour and waiting for crew members to turn up (why we couldn't leave without them is beyond me...) But it was ok, I was sitting opposite a girl from St Andrews so we had a natter.
There was much excitement on the Saturday, going shopping for clothes for Alistair (bro) so he looked all smrt to meet Dad's new girlfriend that evening. We went out for a meal and I was completely embarrassed when the restaurant manager brought out a cake and everyone (yes, everyone in the restaurant) sang happy birthday. Urgh... I really absolutely hate having happy birthday sung to me, it's the most embarrassing thing in the world and I try to avoid it every year. I'm two decades old now, it's the first birthday where I haven't wanted to be a year older... I dread to think what 40 will be like!
Went to Norwich on Monday to see Mum for a few days. That was horrible really. I'm enjoying being away from Mum and all her "spiritual leader's" crap being forced on me and it was awful to go back to it all. But it made coming back all the better. I also met up with some friends in Norwich, which was ok but not brilliant. There seems to come a point where friendships start to go stale, and I'm enjoying being away from all that too. Yeah I'm heartless I know.
Lectures started again on Monday. That's something I am enjoying, my course is getting very good. Especially Theology now we've moved away from all the philosophical stuff to more Biblical stuff. There's another batch of essays coming up very soon, the Theology one I've chosen is on the relationship between grace and law and the significance of this for a human understanding of salvation. We've been studying grace and law this week, so it shouldn't be too taxing. We've also been looking at repentance. i would love to go on and on about it but I'd probably bore my readers to tears!
I've been thinking about being a youth worker or something similar after I've done my degree, but I'm not so sure. It's a strange job, in one sense you build up strong relationships with the people in your care, but in another sense they are work. Youth look up to their youth workers as mentors and friends, and to be brushed aside as work is really heartless. In a way, youth are work to their youth workers, and I can understand the need for them to get away from work, but, especially in a church context, having someone older to talk to and be a mentor is very important in people's lives. If I were to be a youth worker in a church, I think I'd try to set up a mentoring system so that the youth can make friends with older members of the congregation, rather than the youth worker being stretched between them all and not really wanting to make it a permanent friendship.
Ramble over, that's it for now.
I got two of my essays finished on time! Bedtimes of three o'clock were involved, but never mind. Just got one more to do for Monday now, and that's a lot easier than the other two, I'm half done already.
Lauren arrived yesterday evening. It's so great to see someone from home again. We didn't do much becuase we were both shattered, but went for a walk along the beach to the pier and back at 11pm. The moon was big and gorgeous, there was a big shimmery reflection on the sea, which as really peaceful. It's like a breath of fresh air being up here compared to Norwich. Living next to the sea is like a dream come true. I love watching the sea, it has such a claming effect.
"After all the battles and wars, the scars and loss
I am still the queen of my domain,
and feeling stronger now.
The walls are down a little more each day,
since you came, finally,
finally things are changing"~ Dido
Doing the church history essay now. I've written a paragraph and feel the need for a break.
There's a saying that the eyes are the window to the soul. I think there should be a 21st century update: the MSN name is the window to the soul. It's a chance to hint at what you're feeling, in the hope that your best friend might be online and might pick up on it and give you a vent for your thoughts on whatever it is that's bothering you - "arguments: i hate." Sometimes they're thoughtful and reveal a side of your friend that you never knew they had - "I feel like Alice in Wonderland." And sometimes people want to be taken for who they are - "Alistair". (Or sometimes they have multiple personalities, don't they, Al?!)
This seems to be an unwritten rule - people know that there must be something behind your name. I've been quized on my MSN name twice this week. It didn't really mean anything, it was a random thought in my head one day and I typed it in. I must be the only shallow person out there.
Okay, so maybe I'm leaning towards pale blue/lilac tranquility, I haven't quite decided. But the yucky orange is gone. I really need to learn some HTML so I can edit this and make it mine.
I can't wait for my Theology module to turn into theology instead of philosophy, it's getting boring. Not so much boring, I just don't have a philosophical mind and I can't cope with all the abstracts! And I can't wait to finish this semester and be done with Church History, what an utterly tedious subject. Maybe it's jsut the way it's taught. Or maybe because I haven't done much background reading for the lectures. Never mind, once the essay-marathon is over I'll catch up with all that other stuff.
I'm determined to try out a church this Sunday, I've only been to one so far. That was St Salvator's, the university chapel. It was quite impresive, everyone wore their gowns (except a few first years like me who haven't got one yet!) There was a procession of teachers all wearing their gowns too, led by the "mace bearer" (the mace is supposed to stand for something). Then a huge Bible was paraded in. There was a choir and lots of very crazy organ music. It wasn't my kind of church by a long way, but it was quite cool to take part in all that tradition at least once. I won't be going back. This week it'll either be baptist or charismatic. I'm leaning towards baptist purely for comfort, but I'd like to investigate the charismatic one as well, they intrigue me.
Today it rained. And rained. And rained. It was a pretty wet day. Yes, I'm in Scotland, but it hasn't rained much at all since I got here! I guess the honeymoon period is well and truly over, in more ways than one.
I'm four weeks into my university career, and already I have an essay overload. I admit, it's all my own fault! I was given the briefs on the very first day when five weeks sounded like a long time. I've been frantically searching the library shelves to find the suggested books and will be writing two essays by Thursday hopefully. And as soon as I finish, I'll be looking up the books for the next ones... yeah right!
Lauren, my best friend, is coming up from Norwich on Friday. I can't believe she's coming all this way, it's really sweet of her. She's staying until Tuesday. Four nights to do all things girly... alas no chick flicks though because house 2 is devoid of a TV! Might borrow Ellie's laptop...
I just had an Ancient Israel lecture which was about Hebrew narrative, studying some of David's story. It's really interesting how tension is built up in such subtle ways. And ever noticed how stories are told mainly through speech? I hadn't. Maybe that's why people think the Bible is boring, just because it's written in a style different to our culture's. (Then again, maybe it's bacuse they've never opened a Bible). English stories are all about description and what the narrator tells you about the mood and feelings of the characters. Hebrew narrators hardly intervene at all, not even to give a moral judgement (which you'd probably expect from the Bible!) and the character's mood is ascertained through his speech. No description is given of the surroundings, it's a very succint way of telling a story. Maybe I'm sad, but I find it fascinating.
Off to study narrative technique in the story of David and Bathsheba now!
Okay, here's my first proper post. I think this is going to be a rainbow blog, though with a backdrop of pink, because you must agree that pink is a very cool colour. (If you don't agree, you don't have to look!)
So, first blogging... and I'm stuck already. What a great start. Maybe I'll write a bit about my greatest passion in life: Jesus. I want to follow Jesus so much it hurts sometimes. But it's not an easy thing to do... I'd like to be living for Jesus every minute of every day, worshipping him in everything I do, living an abundant life in God. That's kind of the reason for the title of my blog, it's from Psalm 27:13: "I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living." I only discovered it the other day. So many "good Christians" (the kind who are really good and write books) go on about how we should be living an abundant life, asking and expecting God's blessing because he wants to give us so much. I've always been a bit sceptical of that. Why would God bless me so much that I overflow with his goodness? But then David, or whoever wrote the psalm, was confident that he would see God's goodness in this life, now, he didn't have to wait until heaven to see the Lord's goodness. I want to be confident of that, and to be confident enough to ask God for it, because living in apathy and unhappiness is no good.
