Stories

The Story of Laura's (Ella's) afternoon :D Cameras are such fun.

Perseverance

A couple of years ago I was totally convinced that I wasn't a Christian anymore because I hadn't persevered. I stumbled and lost the plot, and God was alien. In some ways I think I'm there again, in terms of apathy and failure.

I'm not sure my theology was quite right then, however, and I'm pretty sure God hasn't given up on me! But, 'It's impossible to be a static Christian, if you're not going forward you're going backwards' seems uncomfortably familiar. I had a list of ponderings to kick myself out of the rut the last time it got desperate...

* If I recommit my life to Jesus, I have to remember the holiness of God and the seriousness of my decision. To backslide again would be to say that God is worth nothing to me. My decision would be incredibly serious because I am giving my whole life over to Christ. To take it back would be sacrilege.
* God doesn't want me to waste my time on earth, and given just the slightest bit of encouragement from me, He's going to use me as a great ambassador for His kingdom.
* Every day is going to be a battle, but Jesus has already won the decisive battle, and I'm on his side so I can't lose. I need to remember to look to my King at all times.
* Pray at the beginning of each day - the Lord's prayer, or the prayer of Jabez, or even just 'help me to be a useful person for you today, Jesus.'

In my better moments, I realise what a fool I'm being and how much I'm wasting my life, wasting opportunities, living without God. Breaking God's heart, mine and letting other people down. Other times, like tonight, I'll happily subscribe but can't be bothered to live it because it means having a heart and feeling things. I want to pray this week that God will give me a heart to feel for His people, for lost people, 'a sense of violation at the failure of God's people to be the effective demonstration of Him.'

Community

My profound thought of the week has been that being a Christian is a community thing. It's impossible and totally crazy to even think that it can be done alone. As I was reminded this week, even God communes within himself (the Trinity). I often find that thoughts aren't new to me. This one was first introduced to me through a book I read in 2003, but it takes a while for my little brain to process things...

"I am very proud to own and share the good and the bad, the sense and the silliness in you, Leonard, my dear brother. I want you to know that your fights and victories are my fights and victories. Your failures are my failures. I hope that you can share the good and the bad in me as well - much more bad than you think, I'm afraid. But I do believe in God, this week anyway, so, I tell you what, since we are brothers, and parts of the same body, I'll hold your unbelief and you can hold my faith." He smiled. "That'll confuse God so much that he'll put up with both of us. I think that's the kind of confusion he likes. Jesus so wanted us to love each other. Tell me, Leonard, do you believe in the hands that are touching yours at the moment?"
"Yes," said Leonard, "they're real people."
"That's right, and these real people are part of Jesus, so when you hold their hands you are actually holding hands with God. Whatever one of us lacks, all of us lack. Whatever one of us owns, all of us share."

~ from The Sacred Diary of Adrian Plass, Christian Speaker aged 43 and 3/4

Sky

Shoooooes

These are my pink shoes, they are rather pretty, and surprisingly comfy too.

Today I did no work, but had an exciting trip to Surrey Street to have my photo taken for my ID badge. It bleeps and lets me through the doors of all NU buildings in Norwich (mwhahahaaaa!)

Nothing else to say at the moment, but there's a cracker of a blog bubbling away on simmer.

Back to blogging

Life seems so busy, I want a whole day to chill and be me and just potter around. I miss having time to listen to Radio 4, I miss reading, I miss remembering to be a Christian, I miss having a tidy bedroom. I like being busy though, because it means not being alone much. I don't like being alone at the moment.

Went to some of evensong after work with Ben today but unfortunately I just wanted to giggle and play outside. The music is very beautiful (most of it anyway). There was a little variation at the end this time when everyone went forward for communion. Communion in Anglican churches scares me. I feel like I'm playing hide and seek with God, the kind of hide and seek where the hidee changes their hiding place while the seeker is still looking, which isn't fair. I'm so lost with church and have no idea what my next move should be. I'd much rather make a study of it than participate. I've gone yet another half week forgetting that God exists, forgetting that prayer exists, let alone it being something I should do.

I like the idea of being a happy moral secularist, not because it ignores God but because it seems easy, and I want the easy way. I want to argue that when life is sometimes so challenging God should be the easy nice hiding place. (Haha Bush still can't say nuclear - 'nucaler'!) What's the motivation for making life even harder by including God in every equation? Don't worry, I'm not giving up and don't need any lectures, really!

Carl once posted a picture of his messy bedroom. Mine is so, so messy that I'd be embarrassed to take a picture of it, let alone publish it! Eeek the thought of getting up super early tomorrow to tidy just flitted through my head, I need to get a life!

Today at work I did about 5 hours worth of work in less than that time, so started reading one of those mini Penguin anniversary books, a few chapters from 'The View From Mount Improbable' by Richard Dawkins. I didn't understand it. 'Birds Without Wings', however, is being good and there are many more beautiful pages to go. It's about a small Muslim and Christian community, it's really interesting how the two religions mix and live alongside each other. But war is to be declared so I guess it will all shatter. There was a quote from a Londoner about the bombings on the NU intranet news site the other day (yeah I spent a lot of time on there today as well) - 'This is forever. There will be no solutions. The only solution is a country with no religion.' I wish the world wasn't so messed up, and I hate the fact that I contribute towards the messed upness of the world.

Sometimes I wonder what we are without friends. What makes us us, apart from how we relate to others? Are we human if we don't love? I didn't mean my blog to be this depressing today, honest.

Day trip

Trip to London today. I like trains, there's something comforting about being on a train.

London was pretty quiet for a Saturday, which I guess isn't surprising after the second attacks last Thursday.

Finished Harry Potter 6 last night. I have to say I was a bit disappointed, I couldn't get into it at all and didn't get excited til Chapter 24. Had a horribly busy week though, I should have waitied til I could concentrate on it properly instead of reading a bit at a time. Looking forward to number 7 now, it should be very interesting. Started 'Birds Without Wings' by Louis de Bernier today, I think it's going to be good.

There was something interesting I had to blog on, but I've forgotten so it'll have to wait. Oh yeah, for all you dress freaks, it's still pink and will post pictures later!

Angel face

I'm liking my new toy, though I'm terribly unartistic at the moment. I'll enjoy practising though! I liked this unartistic little face.

There hasn't been an awful lot to blog on lately (I blame lack of reading and mind expansion). Work is cool, not a for-life job but it's ok. Harry Potter 6 is so exciting, but I still haven't finished it because my attention span is so appalling (I blame lack of reading for that too).

I'm loving cell group with some cool friends. Looking forward to a more structured meeting this week, we've been meandering a bit which has been good in terms of geling as a group but it'll be good to add some purpose. Last week we discussed what we want out of the group and what we would like it to achieve. This week some alternative worship and a discussion on prayer is being planned.

Pondering of the week - life as a Christian seems to be a never-ending cycle of sin, repentance and forgiveness, which maybe isn't odd in itself, but sometimes I wonder what the point of it all is. Maybe I'm circling around the same issues at the moment rather than working my way up a spiral. I think the cloud of apathy, however, is slowly lifting.

New toy!

I like purple :)

I wish morning would hurry up and come, I want my Harry Potter book!

Bother

I can't be bothered to put this long overdue post into proper sentences, so bullet points win.

• 21 Grams is a cool film, worth buying if you haven't seen it.
• Why would it be so awful if God hated us when we were sinners? Would it make one single bit of difference to our daily lives?
• It's so tedious to listen to all the rhetoric after the London bombings about not giving into terrorists, not letting them win by scaring us out of continuing our everyday lives. Where did this rubbish come from? Is it really the aim of a terrorist to make everyone cower in fear, locked up in their homes? Is 'terrorist' our label or their aim? Bad things happen to individuals every day, what makes this so much more worthy of air time than all the other tradgedies in the world?
• I can't be bothered (tis phrase of the day, sorry) to 'feel' God. Why isn't he just there, like people? What's the deal with all this touchy feely stuff? Sometimes I think I have no heart.
• Looking forward to the new expanded cell group meeting on Wednesday, though have no idea what we're doing yet. What a contrast to another cell group I went to last week, I'm looking forward to this one and I know that whatever happens I'll enjoy being with the people and the content (whatever it turns out to be) will challenge and inspire me. And I won't be bored.
• Does something have to feel wrong for it to be wrong? Does the fact that it doesn't feel wrong mean that it's okay, or that I'm not sufficiently 'Spirit-filled' or in tune with God?
• Is there any such thing as a spiritual wilderness where there's nothing wrong with life, God or me? I'm just bored and can't be bothered with feelings.

To hell with the world, I'm off to play flute.

Still tired

Was gonna do an update on church a coupla weeks ago saying that I hated describing myself as 'not currently settled in a church' and how a churchless faith might be ok for a while but it isn't all that great.

However, that was two weeks ago. I think I'm going to settle at Proclaimers despite my reservations. Interestingly, today during the 'after the worship/before the sermon/Tom talky bit/Holy Spirit thing' time I think God kinda confirmed that. I don't know. I've been a Christian for about 11 years now but I'm only just starting to understand the whole Holy Spirit/listening to God thing... it's annoying that it takes so long but cool now that I'm becoming a bit more confident about actually conversing with God rather than talking at him.

There's no logic to that paragraph which is annoying me. I like logical and clear reasoning, but I don't know how else to explain anything. I think it'll be cool to be part of Proclaimers. Hopefully. Oh ye of little faith.

Lethargy

Blogging haitus indeed... started work at Norwich Union this week, maybe that's why! It's been cool, was boring to start with but the training is getting more interesting and I'm looking forward to starting the proper work. I'm so tired! Have been out a more than average number of nights this week as well as working full time so definately in need of matchsticks.

Was Fridays last night, then another 24/7 prayer night with a selection of lovely forumites which finished a couple of hours ago. It was a strange night really, I think we've all been tired from working all week and we didn't do as much praying together as last week. Helen came in at 7am though which was great because we had a together prayer time then and she finished y praying for us all which was nice. It was a good night for discussion type stuff, no particular theme this week though, just bits and ponderings. It's great to spend time with genuine and lovely Christian friends (love you all!), it's a while since I've felt so at home and comfortable with a group of people.

I'm going through a bit of an apathetic time... doing stupid things and messing things up but not being truly sorry or feeling guilty much, so can't be bothered to pray about it. Sillyness. I guess feelings don't count though so I will get my act together hopefully. This quote from Mark really hit home yesterday: 'If you go around calling yourself a Christian then get used to the idea that you've surrendered your life to Jesus, not anyone or anything else.' Kick that into my head, Lord. Being a Christian is such a chore sometimes, I'm so lazy.

Not a lot else to blog about just now... want to post more on that Brian McLaren book at some point though. Excitement. *yawn*