(Lol! Ben's titles came up as options when I was typing mine in and the above seemed the most appropriate from the list!)
If I write this in my diary it'll turn into an even angrier rant, and I'd really like you friends and fellow bloggers who read to pray about this. Feel free to give any comments too even if they're on my mum's side, I'd be interested at the very least!
I called my mum on Wednesday to ask her who some people were in a photo and, she asked questions (how is Ben doing without a job, how are you feeling about it...) which paved the way to give her opinion on something that she seems to have been brooding on.
She said that I talk about nothing but the wedding. I think this is unfair, especially with Mum as I'm so loath to bring up anything that could possibly give her license to lecture me on her differing opinions. (If you want some background on her beliefs read this). Even if I did talk about it a lot it's because it needs a lot of planning, it's taking up a lot of my thoughts, I need my parents' input on a myriad of things that I haven't dared ask them yet and it's the most exciting life changing event of my life. I feel a bit gutted that I'm not allowed to go on about it! (Sorry if I've bored anyone else).
She also has a massive unfounded objection to Ben. Her main gripe at the moment is his lack of job. She said our wedding should be postponed until he's proven to me that he can provide for me. In my mind there is a huge part of a couple's relationship that isn't seen by the outside world, and people are so intricate and complicated that no one is ever going to truly know the state of a relationship. Because of what I know of Ben I'm confident that one of his biggest desires is to fulfil what he sees as his role as a man, of which being the main breadwinner is a part.
I also think there are times in everyone's lives when they struggle for money or have other problems that can put stress on their lives. But this situation isn't going to last forever and it shouldn't be any reason for me to lose Ben's trust by saying I'm only going to stay with him as long as he can earn money. I don't see our wedding to be anything other than a ceremony and party to confirm and celebrate our exisiting union. We're essentially married if only in a common law sense and I couldn't conceive of being married and leaving my husband until he could get himself into a better position. It's absurd.
I hung up on her once she started insulting Ben, which may or may not have been the right thing to do. I don't want my relationship with Ben to be tainted by the opinions of someone who hasn't taken the time to get to know him without having previous unfounded predjudices. It makes me unsure of him though no fault of his own.
This conversation is still annoying me two days later. I always knew Mum would have objections to our wedding as she does to everything else I do and am. I feel so utterly let down by her constant criticisms, and especially of her preachings of love but he lack of action. I love her because she's my mum but I really find it difficult to have any level of respect for someone who can't conceive that she might be not be right all the time.
Mum has already and I anticipate is going to be the biggest challenge to deal with for our wedding. If she was absent from the guest list I'd be supremely confident of the day running smoothly because of the amount of people she's had clashes with at some point. (It's going to be challenging enough having her and my brother in the same room for the day!) I have a horrible feeling that it isn't going to end on the day.
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11 comments:
I'm sorry that your Mother has been like that, but it should not stop you having your wedding.
I think this time is proving to be rather good for both of you, so all you can do is keep following it through with the same openess that you always seem to have.
(I really must meet you two at some point.)
you're doing great girl.
You are an inspiration to me.
will keep praying.
x
I think what you need to remember is this, that as your mother she is always wanting the best for you.
Being married is a seperating of ways (even if you have done that physically). She is intrinsically letting you go and that process is not easy. There is a protection she probably likes to think she affords over you - she now has to lay that down in the hope that as an maturing person you can make these decisions.
Sometimes parents can do and say the most inappropriate things at the most inappropriate times - and it hurts. But I believe that they are sometimes grounded in some meaning albeit badly put.
With regards to your view that marriage is a mear ceremony to confirm and celebrate your union. If you were doing this as a civil ceremony I might agree. But since your getting married in a church (CofE I believe) it is treated as a distinct spiritual affair. It is seen as a joining where you leave your family, he leaves his and you become your own. This act is a spiritual act in front of God first and then the congregation.
If all this marriage thing is about a celebration of an existing union and a party - why get married legally at all - why not throw a big party with all your family and friends and do that.
Apologies for waffle, but it sounds like your mum has not been very sensitive at all and you should say so. However its good to be challenged like this I believe, because marriage itself can bring along a whole new wave of challenges you never expected and far more tougher things to deal with.
Good points Monty! I haven't posted on this because I was nervous to post "Listen to your mother"- thought you might construe it as an agreement and a criticism of Ben which it isn't at all. Time has taught me that when someone says something that you really hate, you should listen to it because your impulse is to reject it without any consideration. The more it annoys, the more consideration you should give it. It doesn't mean that when considered that the other person will be right, just that the issue may grow some extra dimensions that need exploration.
Find out what it means to help your mother grow rather than be irritated by her. Spend more time with her rather than be annoyed with her.
That's my take on it- I hope that isn't too offensive to you.
It's hard when all she does is criticise me - I can't see any love in that.
Monty - why get married legally at all? Precisely because of the legality - wills, name changing etc. Cohabiting is not really the same in the eyes of the law.
It is seen as a joining where you leave your family, he leaves his and you become your own. This act is a spiritual act in front of God first and then the congregation.
The wedding is the congregation bit, everything else has been done, which is why we think of ourselves as married. We're not cohabiting in the sense that we're living together and might break up or might get married in the future.
The best for me in Mum's eyes would be for me to convert to her sect and follow her prophet. Bit of a conflict of interest there!
Thanks for the comments, even yours Helen B! (not offended at all :)
It's hard when all she does is criticise me - I can't see any love in that.
You see as a mum I know that criticism is love! It's love really badly expressed- what she's saying is "I love you and I'm really worried about you because..." And obviously she wants you to be in her cult because she obviously thinks it's right.
Try thinking of yourself with a baby and projecting forward until she left home. Would you want her living with a bloke with no job? MAybe you think you would judge it according to the situation but when you're a mum, you want a handsome surgeon or steady accountant to be attached to your daughter. Anything else is a worry. Mums are designed to worry and I can guarantee that your mum is worried about you. Talk to her as you are the one most able to convince her that she has nothing to worry about. (It won't be easy)
Monty & Helen, I may be wrong, but your comments sound like you've not read laura's post a year or so ago. Linky Link.
La's mum, alas, is no amiable mother of the bride who wants the best for her daughter. It saddens me to say this and for the dozens of times I've thought this is wrong, I've seen further evidence that she is a manipulative, self centered cult-member. I don't say that to insult her at all and despite my hang ups, I make every effort to have (and show) deep sincere Christian love.
But La's mum isn't the problem in this. It's the effect she has on La and us. I won't be churlish or petty enough to give examples of the situations that alienate us as a couple from La's mother (or La's mother's attempts to alienate us as a couple!), but both La and me are big enough, and spiritually strong enough to cope with her mother's beliefs. I was speaking to La's daddy the other day (who divorced La's mummy years before the prophet guy came along and is not wierd) and I said I can cope with La's mummy saying I have a `bad aura` and not letting me in her house and all the other insults that come my way, but what I cannot abide is her making my Laura cry for no reason over the phone.
I know La really wants a lovely mother figure to confide in, be girly with, talk about wedding with etc, but justifying the aggressive herecy that her mother speaks to forge some mock-relationship would be more damaging to Laura. I think, at the end of the day it's an appalling realisation but one that comes from knowing this woman for who she is (of course: unbeleivably harder for Laura and to a lesser extent me than for someone reading this blog for the first time), but it would be better if Laura and her mother did not speak regually as the relationship would be more damaged than if regular communication, offence and fallings out were to take place.
I know how Laura feels - I was born again when I was 14 when my dad was an alcoholic and bible verses and preachers talking about `Father God, I wonder how I managed to exist without the knowledge of your parenthood and your loving care`, it's both a contradiction and a crushing slap in the face everytime someone presumes the parent is honourable, respectable or willing to make the effort in the relationship. In this time I had nothing in common with my father and every encounter just alienated me from him further. I dealt with this by loving him in Christ (eventually) and by the grace of God and what I beleive to be predominantly my mother's prayers I think he's changing. My point is I know what it's like to be completely different in a depressing and lamentable way from a parent so my thoughts about La & her mother don't come from a mother-in-law fear that every man has - but a love for Laura that this man has.
Maybe it would do to give churlish examples and it's taking great restraint to talk about the damaging effect on relationships this woman causes rather than dragging her name through the mud so much that you will disregard anything she says. My point in this comment is that the mother knows best scenario doesn't fit in this scene. La and me have much much much to learn, but with people like my mummy and La's daddy, the Cracknells/Veseys/Tumas etc, there are less harmful ways of learning from our elders.
Yeah it really sucks.
But I think there's two different things here, 'wanting what you think is the best for someone', and 'wanting what genuinely is the best for someone'
So what La's mum think's is the best for La, isn't necessarily the best, but because she thinks it is, to her it is (does that make sense at all?!) So maybe she does want what's best for La, but she doesn't actually know what that is (even though she thinks she does).
I don't know what the answer is, or even if there is one. Well, aside from God.
Clearly some very serious issues here then.
I still disagree with the interpretation of The wedding is the congregation bit, everything else has been done, which is why we think of ourselves as married. We're not cohabiting in the sense that we're living together and might break up or might get married in the future.
I still do not understand why your getting married in a church.
You said Everything else has been done what does that mean? You have been and had a civil ceremony?
I am not questioning you living together before your married, I can understand that and there are some very good reasons for doing (there are also very good reasons for not doing it).
But if its about a congregation - why not get married at a football ground, or at a hotel or at somewhere where you can celebrate with people and have a civil ceremony.
The marriage service demands you to make promises to each other both physical and spiritual, both in front of God and in front of a congregation intertwined with the civil legalities. In my opinion your not married until you have gone through at least the civil part of it. Just don't understand why you want it in a church if you think your married already - and just because your living together, sharing beds, sharing pots and pans and sharing emotions does not mean your married.
Being married is a massive massive change in life - you don't think it now - but there are many many people who will say the didn't realise the difference.
A civil ceremony does not allow any religious input, and becuase we're Christians we still want to acknowledge God in the ceremony part.
Before the 1500s this would have been entirely normal - people left their families to become officially joined to one another (now known as common law marriage), and later they had a fertility blessing by a priest, which in 1563 became an essential part to being legally married.
Just because what is done now is considered Godly and the norm for Christians and otherwise doesn't mean you're married/joined spiritually.
I don't beleive in having a fertility blessing, but I do believe that what makes you married in the sight of God is a truly spiritual union, which isn't achieved instantly in a legal ceremony.
Helsalata - You see as a mum I know that criticism is love!
Surely not all the time! I can't imagine you telling your teenage daughters they look awful in trousers (because of course women should only wear skirts), their skin is horrible and they should lose weight. (In a truly malicious way)
People are like children. They dress their insecurities up in the way they speak. Adults tend to have better ways of masking what's deep inside. You mum exhibits very childish/childlike tendencies. It almost sounds like your mum is desperately trying to claw onto a time when she had influenece in your life. Because she mostly knows that's futile, she tries to hurt you through saying the futile controlling things. It's all her problem and she's trying to make it your problem. It isn't really your problem because you are confident enough to know that you are comfortable with your weight, wearing trousers, whatever it is. The roles are reversed. She is the child, you are the adult. In the role of adult, you need to give unconditional love and realise the power games your mum is playing. It will infuriate her if you aren't hurt or responding to her jibes. The more you show your hurt the more she thinks she has influence over you. Just ignore it.
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